Tuesday, April 5, 2011

How I Plan To Make My Millions (And Be Scared For Life)


King 5- A Federal Way man has filed a lawsuit against the maker of Monster Energy Drinks. He claims he found a dead mouse at the bottom of his can, and he has the lab work to prove it. "Anytime anyone talks about monster, I just get that sick feeling in my stomach," says Vitaliy Sulzhik. It happened March 20, 2010. Sulzhik remembers it like it was yesterday. He went into the Fred Meyer in Des Moines, and bought himself a Monster Energy Drink. When he finished drinking it, he didn't realize another monster would be at the bottom. "I put it down and I felt it was still heavy. So I backwashed it and all this debris went into my mouth," says the 19 year old. "Then I looked in the can and I saw the tip of the tail and I vomited everywhere." It was a dead mouse inside the can. His attorney sent the can to MDE Inc., a forensic and engineering laboratory in Seattle, which cut open the can. They conducted a series of forensic tests on behalf of his client, and Monster's insurance company. X-rays and autopsies showed the mouse didn't suffer any trauma, like from a mouse trap, nor was it killed using poison. In other words, there were no signs the mouse was killed and then forced through the opening. "You hear these wild stories out there. Sure, you're a little skeptical at first," says Reed Yurchak, Sulzhik's attorney. "But everything here has checked out." Yurchak says Hansen Beverage Company is aware of the findings, but still refuses to believe his client. When contacted by phone, the drink-maker declined to comment on the lawsuit. Sulzhik hasn't drunk anything from a can since.

I would rather find a finger in my can like its chili from Wendy's than a rat. I hope that tomorrow I find a pinky in a can of Arizona tomorrow. You hear about people suing for emotional duress, well sign me the fuck up. This has to be one of the easiest ways to make millions. Granted everything I drink out of from then on would have to be out of a clear container and put through a filter like tap water but it would be worth it. Shit, I would have Arizona make a drink after me. I would just be swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck.

A rat has to be the worst thing you can find in something you drank half of right? Like, how did he find it? You know the tail got in his mouth or something (I literally gagged writing that sentence). Maybe it is just the living in NY or what but the rat is still the dirtiest fucking animal ever. Pigs that roll around in mud and shit and eat garbage all day are more hygienic than these little furry mobile disease cocktails.

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