Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I Wish I Was Trained Like This Kid

Barstool Phily- Yeah, I’ve seen enough. I’m definitely gonna push my future kid hard as shit into sports. I know all the parenting people say not do force a child into sports or push them too hard, but motherfuckers don’t become Kobe or Tiger or Peyton without a psychopathic father waking them up at 4:30am to practice. My kid is hitting the gym when he’s 7 and won’t be allowed out until he looks like little Hercules. You want the cream or the clear, son? Fuck it, old school injections. Let’s do this. Like guaranteed this kid is a complete asshole like his father in 5 years, but who cares when he’s buying pops a beachhouse with his Titlest endorsement check?
The hardest part will be keeping him motivated. I’ll probably choose fear. Fear has never failed as a motivating factor. What happened to your puppy? Well, when you didn’t wake up for practice yesterday it made daddy really sad. So sad that he had to hurt that puppy real bad. I marked his grave in the backyard. Now you don’t wanna make daddy sad again, do you? Of course not, now grab your weight belt and daddy’s smokes.
Maybe when he gets older the motivation tactics will change. Son I know you like your little girlfriend. But you know what’s better than your girlfriend? Fifty girlfriends. All on your dick. Sometimes two and three at a time. Then when he starts getting all melancholy about his stupid high school sweetheart, it’s trips to the strip club and flash cards of every woman Tiger Woods has ever banged. Fifteen years later I’m relaxing in my mansion living vicariously like a motherfucker.

I so wish my dad did this to me. Like as a kid who wouldn't want to hear "Hey, if I could promise you ridiculous amounts of women, money , fame. And you would never need a real job, just exercise and play sports." I would 1. shit a brick, 2. do whatever I was told. Granted there would be times where I would want to quit but no one said parenting is easy. I wish that I was trained. You know how awesome college is for the people who were trained by their parents since they could walk? How's Jimmer, fucking Kemba Walker, Tim Tebow, Cam fucking Newton? Where would Cam Newton be without his father promising him pretty much everything he got? He wouldn't of been shopped around and not of been a BCS Champion, won't go during the 1st round. He would be a back up quarterback at some Bowl-less college banging 7's and 8's instead of the 10's he's nailing daily.

And those who say "that's abuse", look how happy that kid is. Just turn work into a game. Try and hit the dude making minimum wage looks like fun

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