Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Vibrators Are Allowed On Airplanes Again

WASHINGTON, D.C.- In addition to knowing that you can access your MP3 player or smart phone on a long flight, you can rest assured that your trusty Rabbit Habit or silk wrist sashes can stay within reach on those cross-country treks. Earlier this week, the Transportation Security Administration announced that vibrators are safe to pack in carry-on bags when flying. Also safe are whips, chains, leashes, restraints and manacles. An article on AOL’s travel site notes, however, that not everyone should pack their goodies in their overnight bag.  “Are you a nervous traveler already?” the article reads. “Prone to looking shifty in line? Yep, you’re going to get flagged. And when you’re flagged, you’re inspected.”  The TSA also reminds travelers that any item that is “club-like” or objects that are “anatomically correct cylinders of roughly a foot or so in length” are still prohibited. In other words, size matters: Keep it under 7 inches and you should be fine.

So, apparently vibrators are allowed back on flights. No big deal. What is a big deal is that this means that they were banned at one point. Like how did that happen? "So, we need to tighten up security. So along with guns, knifes drugs and bombs we are now not letting people bring lighters,  enough fluids to create bombs, anything sharp and vibrators." Than apparently people were like "definitely less vibrators". If anything that would make them more dangerous. How many times have you seen a chick fly off the handles and just thought 'that cunt just needs to get laid'. Shit, they should keep some of them on the plane just in case some crazy chick starts to get hysterical. In case of emergency there are oxygen masks, inflatable rafts and vibrators.

Mark my words, sluts with giant vaginas could possibly have an inequality lawsuit here. Just some old whore with a wizard sleeve between her legs who can't feel anything less than 7 inches is gonna be pissed she can't get off but the chick in 14B whose only been getting it in with Asian dudes is gonna have no problem with her Magic Bullet. I know this is the magic bullet but how did no dildo companies come up with that name first. They are some of the most creative mother fuckers in the game. I should of hired one of them to name my blog. Would of been the best fucking title ever.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Chinese Chick Offers Virginity for iPhone

HuffPo - Is this a case of consumerism at its worst–or just a hoax? Business Insider is reporting that a Chinese teenager posted on Weibo, China’s version of Twitter, that she would trade her virginity in exchange for an iPhone 4. Reports of the girl’s posting first surfaced last week in Biznewschina and the Korean Herald, which wrote that the girl posted a photo of herself along with basic personal information, because it’s her “dream to own a iPhone 4 but her father won’t let her get one.” The post, which many believe to be fake or a cruel prank played on the girl, has been met with a negative response and considerable criticism. While it sounds unbelievable, this wouldn’t be the first case of a Chinese teen going to extreme lengths for the latest technology.

1. Does this include any bills for it being paid? Does she have to pay for all the shit herself? Is this guy gonna pay for 4G, my hotspot,
2. Does it come with accessories? A case is crucial to having an iPod/iPhone last more than like 2 months without it breaking. What about those bomb ass headphones with the mic in the wire? Those are clutch to this deal going down.
3. I wonder if she would do anal for an iPad?
4. No wonder her parents won't let her have an iPhone. Imagine the sexting that chick would be doing. Shit, she is already whoring herself out on Twitter.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Parents Let Children Have Sex In House

Giant would you rather here. Would you rather be a kid when you grew up or now? We keep hearing stories about shit being taken away from kids like fucking dodgeball, pinatas, and even balloons for Christ sake. So when you get this curveball thrown your way you are taken aback. Like, before this information leaked there would be no chance of me trading my childhood era for right now.  But if I could trade dodgeball for not having to worry about parents walking in I might take the deal. Shit, if I would never have to use the through the fly under the sun dress move again. Making sure your pants are the perfect distance away so that they aren't getting in the way but close enough that you can grab them if someone knocks and you need to scramble quick.

P.s. Wonder who the "cool parents" are in that neighborhood?

P.s.s. I tried using the same rational for drinking as a kid. "Hey mom, would you rather me go drink a 30 pack of Natty Light with friends out in empty parking lot or drink at home so I don't get in trouble and probably die."

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Soccer Players on Female Ghana Might Be Dudes

AFRICATwo players from the Equitorial Guinea women’s team have been dropped after their Ghanian opponents accused them of being men. On the eve of the Women’s World Cup in Germany later this month, Salimata and Bilguisa Simpore have been omitted from the national squad in the wake of a victory over Ghana that the losing side believe had a lot to do with the manliness of a couple of their opponents. “You only need to have physical contact with them to know this, and we can tell from what happened most times during the match,” said Ghana’s Diana Ankomah, according to an ESPN report.Ghana captain Florence Okoe added: “It is not as if we are throwing sour grapes, just because we have lost. Rather, this is the fact and it is up to the organisers to do something about this. It is not good for African women’s football.”

Guess Chad Ochocinco actually did make it playing soccer, he just had to go to fucking Ghana and join a girl's league. Is it worth it? Would you live in Ghana to be able to live your dream job, if you can even do it there? Like, if your dream job has to do with the internet, technology of any kind created before 1980, food that doesn't have flies swarming around it in an open market, movies, sports (besides soccer, rugby or cricket (if your dream job is to play cricket, just go play fucking cricket. Pretty sure it's not too tough to find a league to play in over there. Or just play baseball.)) than you can't really do it there. Like, my dream job would either be football player, porn star, or get paid like 500k per post to write blogs. Can't be a football player there and no chance I'm fucking chicks from Ghana. That leaves me getting paid to do this. Granted it is 500k more per post than I am making now but I would have to live in Ghana. Plus I'm getting paid in Ghana money, whatever the fuck that is. Not sure I could do it. I kind of like normal food and not having to dodge chickens and goats during my commute to watch some dudes kick some ass in a girls soccer league, which seems like the only form of entertainment since they probably only have like two channels that come in when you use the rabbit ears.

P.s. Not to be racist or anything but don't these guys chicks look like the guy from Blood Diamond?

Friday, June 24, 2011

People That Fat Mac (Rob McElhenney) Looks Like

Holy shit. What happened to Mac? Not enough martial arts I guess. Damn did he let himself go. Did all this happen while taping next season of It's Always Sunny? Did he get pregnant like Dee? Holy fat cheeks, way to make them look 100x bigger with that weird ass beard. Well to the title of this post: People that Mac looks like now that he is like 50 lbs fatter:
Billy Mays
Fat Steven Seagal
Al from Home Improvement
Big Boy after he learned to grow facial hair

And look at Dennis the Bob Dylan look alike in picture 2.

-Photos from Barstool Philly

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Sloppy Tuna; Vegetarian Sloppy Joe Substitute or Best Bar Name Ever?

NY Times - Something stinks in Montauk. A popular new bar called The Sloppy Tuna has locals up in arms over its sexually charged name and a wild, scantily clad clientele more suited for "Jersey Shore." The oceanfront watering hole, which opened this weekend after replacing old-school Nick's on the Beach, draws throngs of girls in Snooki-style skintight miniskirts and bikinis, along with buffed-out men. "It's a huge, drunk crowd," said Chris Kalimnios, 21, an employee at a neighboring hotel. "It's a bunch of sloppy girls, so the name isn't that far off." Resident Ginny Bennis blasted the name choice, saying it's an old seafaring slur for prostitutes who wait at ports for sailors.

Hey Ginny, how about you stop being a cock-block. This is the best name for a bar ever. The Sloppy Tuna? How perfect is it. People go there to get sloppy drunk and they are right by the beach, hence the tuna part. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the gross, soggy vag that will be infesting that place all summer. Just watch their business boom with frat bros, all thinking one thing. "Hey bro, lets go get some trim at the Sloppy Tuna". And forget about forgetting about the name, how the fuck are you not going to remember the Sloppy Tuna? Shit, I think they just created a new term for a wizard's sleeve. "How was that sorostitute you picked up at the bar last nite?" "Dude, sloppy tuna like a 40 year old mother of 3."

And on the flip side, what dirty smut will be excited go to a place called "The Sloppy Tuna"? Like, "OMG Brittany, where should we go out to tonight." "Um, I'm in a Sloppy Tuna kind of mood."

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Weirdest Rape-At-Gunpoint Ever

Louisville, KY (The Weekly Vice) - Anton Malone, a 19-year-old Kentucky man was charged after he allegedly forced a man to perform sex acts on him at gun point – then shot the victim in the leg when he was finished. According to Louisville police, Malone forced another man at gun point to perform oral sex on him behind the Jefferson Community and Technical College building on Saturday night around midnight. Malone then allegedly forced the victim to perform anal sex on him before attempting to sodomize the victim – which was unsuccessful. Malone then forced the man to perform oral sex on him a second time – this time to completion. Once the sex acts were completed, Malone reportedly shot the victim twice in the left leg before fleeing the scene.

List time.

1. Apparently Kareem Said is back to his old acts (Kareem Said is a character from Oz on HBO about prison and this motherfucker looks identical to him).
2. How do you punish a guy that is forcing guys to stick it in his butt? Like, you can't send him to prison, that must be fucking heaven for this guy. Motherfucker doesn't even need a gun to get some action in prison.
3. Dave Chappelle is in 2 posts in a row. Granted this time it is about man-on-man rape but still, I think this is a first.
4. I just found this while searching for the above link. How spot on is his train of thought on this?
5. How can some dude go to the police and 1. say he was forced to blow a guy with a gun, and 2. the gun wielder looking for some head came. You think the guy who was doing the blowing kinda felt proud he made him "reach completion"? Maybe Anton knew something about this guy no one else knew.
6. How can you force a guy to be the pitcher? Unless he was rocking a serious fear boner.
7. Did the guy have a check list with him? "Gun, check. Mask, check. Anal lube, check. Okay, let's go do this shit."
8. How can you be bent over getting it stuck in your pooper, and still try and point a gun at the dude behind you?

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Chappelle Show Is Back (Kind Of)

The Daily – Dave Chappelle is back, bitches! The beloved comic is planning a new TV show with a paid subscription service like Netflix, Sony’s Crackle, or Hulu, which are now competing in the original programming game, a plugged-in source told Flash. “Dave Chappelle’s going back to TV,” tattled our insider. “It’s not for a network. It’s for Netflix or Crackle or some other subscription service.”Chappelle had one of the biggest flameouts in show business history when he abruptly went MIA in 2005, bolting his top-rated “Chappelle’s Show” in its third season. The funnyman shocked the world when he walked away from the $50 million Comedy Central would have paid him over the next two years. “I felt like some kind of prostitute or something. If I feel so bad, why keep on showing up to this place?” Chappelle confessed to Oprah Winfrey when he returned from his strange pilgrimage to South Africa. “The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.” More recently, Chappelle has been dropping by comedy clubs from Los Angeles to San Francisco for surprise standup gigs, calling himself the “Big Foot of Comedy” because “you never know when he’s going to show up.” A source at Hollywood’s Laugh Factory said Chappelle has been trying out fresh material: “It’s all new. He started off talking about his career and what he’s going to do now, because someone like him can’t do ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ He’s obviously working on some new project.” Chappelle’s been joking about his stalled career and riffing about President Obama, but not all of it has been side-splitting hilarity. “It was really depressing. He was talking about the past, about the show,” said a comedy circuit veteran who caught a Chappelle gig at The Comedy Store in L.A. “Not that many people walk away from a show like that on Comedy Central and get a second chance. But he’s still incredible.” Chappelle appeared super-sober, said our source: “People were offering him [marijuana], but he wasn’t taking any.” A move to a streaming service like Hulu would allow Chappelle to bypass the lack of creative control he claims he had at Comedy Central parent company Viacom.

Well it's not official and it won't be on Comedy Central but Dave Chappelle  is back. His show was one of the top 5 funnies shows of all time. It was like a funny "Important Things with Demetri Martin". This will be somewhere like Hulu or Netflix, somewhere where he has the creative freedom like he didn't have at Comedy Central. You know, the reason he ran to Africa. Cause he was CC's bitch and he hated it. This is one of the few shows I have on DVD. Like everything this guy put out, even the "Lost Episodes". His stand up is still fire and he probably has shit back logged about like "If I still had a show, this is what I would do." I just might have to get that stupid Hulu Plus I see commercials for all the time while I am watching the free Hulu. The only advert they had to show was "Coming Soon. Dave Chappelle's new show." Boom, sold.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Donaghy and Lemon for Mayor(s) of New York

(NEWSER) – With Anthony Weiner’s hopes of becoming mayor of New York City rapidly shriveling, Alec Baldwin spies an opportunity. The 30 Rock star is believed to be considering throwing his hat into the ring now that the front-runner is fading, reports the Wall Street Journal. With the primary still two years away, “I wouldn’t rule it out,” says Baldwin’s spokesman. “It’s a long way till November of 2013,” tweeted the actor, a Democrat.

Look at Jack Donaghy running for mayor.  I would vote for him if I could vote in NY. If he wins he better bring Tina Fey in to office rite? Like, she turned his life around. One minute he's calling his daughter a "little pig" on the phone, next he's got 2 Emmys, 3 Golden Globes. All because of 30 Rock. It has to be Jack that runs tho, not Alec. Running New York can't be too far frombeing Vice President of East Coast Television/Kabletown and Microwave Ovens at GE. And hey, I'd rather have the mayor of my state get in trouble for tough love than sending his dick through the internet to random bitches in like 10 different states.

Delta is a Bunch of Terrorists Who Hate Soldiers and Freedom

Huffington Post- Staff Sgt. Robert O'Hair of Colorado and his unit flew back to the U.S. after almost a year of service in Afghanistan Tuesday. Upon checking in with Delta Airlines, the soldiers were hit with a nasty surprise: over $2,800 in excess baggage fees for their unit. Most of the soldiers had four bags, exceeding Delta's three free checked-bag policy for military personnel. In a video posted to YouTube, Sgt. O'Hair says his fourth bag "was a weapons case, holding my M4, 203 grenade launcher and 9mm (pistol) ... the tools that I use to protect myself and Afghan citizens while I was deployed in the country." "A lot of the guys didn't bring credit cards because, heck, how much do we need credit cards in Afghanistan?" he asked.While the military will reimburse the soldiers for the excess fees, O'Hair and others were forced to pay out-of-pocket. "We regret that this experience caused these soldiers to feel anything but welcome on their return home," wrote Rachael Rensink on the Delta Airlines Blog, "We honor their service and are grateful for the sacrifices of our military service members and their families." In a press release Wednesday, Delta announced an increased baggage limit for U.S. Military personnel to four free checked items. United and American Airlines also announced updated policies.

Really? You wanted them to feel welcome? People throw parties and welcoming groups to make soldiers feel welcome. Give em free shit when they come in to your work. Buy 'em a beer. You don't charge them for shit they used to protect us. Delta charged them for shit when he even says that they don't have credit cards because even Afghans don't charge for stupid shit like a 4th bag. What this guy should of told Delta and TSA is "Sorry I can't fit all my freedom protecting tools in 3 bags because my bulletproof vest and American flag took up too much space. And btw way to keep us safe TSA, way to put your country first. Pussies." If there isn't a boycott of Delta soon I will be shocked. Hell, people were boycotting Starbucks because they weren't sending soldiers in Iraq free coffee. Fuckers probably charged them for pretzels and that half a can of Coke they give out too.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Anthony Weiner Needs Some Advice

So, apparently it's not okay to send chicks pictures of your junk? Dude if you are gonna go showin your dick to chicks via pictures you need to keep to a couple of rules/guidelines.
1. Watch this (that was a link you were supposed to click). That is pretty much all you need to know.
2. How are you getting in trouble for a shot of you still wearing clothes. That is probably why you didn't get any off this pic. Full Monty or you mind as well not even bother. Look at Brett Favre, he didn't give a shit and people probably forgot by now.
3. Why didn't you change your name back during school when people were calling you wiener. Do you know how many different "Weiner's Weiner" or "Weiner Exposed" headlines I have seen. People aren't even getting clever anymore.
4. Who in their right fucking mind would send this kind of shit through twitter and facebook? Dude, you don't have email? Maybe something so that when you do send a picture or message that not everyone gets it?

It has now also come out that he had engaged in dirty messaging (I hate the term sext, its retarded) with six other girls. Weiner is the Tiger Woods of the Congress. Except Tiger was getting it in and Weiner was better off going to a couple of times a week instead of flirting with bitches across the country.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Chick Uses Piss As Perfume

AOL News: Conceptual artist Cherry Tree has a scent of mystery about her. And the smell of urine. Her urine. And it’s intentional. For the last five years, Tree, who splits time between Missouri and Spain, has been turning her own urine into perfume. “I am very much into recycling,” Tree, born Charity Blansit, told AOL Weird News. “And urine is something I’ve thought needs to be recycled, since it’s something that gets eliminated.” It’s a whiz of an idea and one that Tree was inspired to turn into a reality in 2006. “It was the first morning after a full moon,” she said. “And I decided to collect my urine in a perfume bottle.” At first, Tree’s concept was only to collect urine after each full moon. “I was fascinated by how the smell changes depending on what you eat,” she said. “For instance, it smells really good after you eat a lot of honey and it smells terrible after eating chicken.”

1. Piss smells horrible. That and body odor are the only reasons homeless people are so detestable. Take away the smells of homeless and they are just normal subway people. Who voluntarily smells like piss? What a gross bitch.

2. Really "Cherry Tree". That is your name? I guess "Charity" isn't a hippy enough name for a psycho who uses urine to smell better.

3. Did she use any studies to determine the market? Ask people "What do you think of this (sprays Obsession)? Okay, now what about this (sprays Axe)? Okay, and lastly what about this one (sprays her piss)? Oh really, the last one smells like urine? So, you rate that above the Axe but below everything else? Thank you for your time, here is a home kit to make your own; a funnel, a perfume bottle and some honey.

4. I need to know more about how the moon changes the smell of your piss? Like does a crescent moon make is smell sweeter while a new moon makes it more earthy? Blue moons have the same effect as asparagus.

5. Am I the only one shocked that a hippy named "Cherry Tree" and uses piss to smell good isn't a vegetarian? That is a twist M. Night can't write.

Fat Brit Loves Sausage

(Straits Times) – A British man recently sought therapy for his addiction to sausages. David Harding says he must have 13 sausages a day and has spent almost 2,000 pounds (S$4,068) on counselling and hypnosis sessions to help his compulsion. ‘I genuinely cannot bear the thought of living without sausages,’ Mr Harding told The Mirror of his problem. ‘Drug addicts crave their fix and it’s the same for me, except my drug is a sausage.’ The 47-year-old started eating sausage heavily when he was five. But he only realised that he had a serious problem when he got mad at the idea of not having sausages for dinner, and decided to seek professional help. ‘Apparently I just like sausages, plain and simple,’ Mr Harding said, after admitting that therapy hasn’t helped. ‘I don’t see there is anything wrong with that, but I do think that I have to look at ways to control my urge.’

Freud would have a fucking field day on this sausage loving old lesbian look alike. How pissed would Freud be with this guy? Like just yell at him straight to his face "Just suck some dick. You will feel better. You're obviously compensating for not having cock in and around your mouth." And apparently this guy loves sausage so much he ate until his fingers look like 5 sausages on each hand. Seriously, he got to the point to where his hands are so fat you can't tell where the joints are. Its just a straight link of fat and bone from knuckle to nail. But he didn't get past that level. If he was eating 14 instead of 13 a day his hands would probably be those really fat ones where its like rolls down the finger. And why 13 a day? I ate 13 eggs in one sitting back when I was fat and I was good for the whole day. Sausage is filling as shit. Dude's shit is probably just links.