Thursday, September 29, 2011

Justin Bieber Gives Selena Gomez The Staples Center

MTVJustin Bieber may only be 17, but the kid has crazy mature boyfriend skills when it comes to doing special things for his girl Selena Gomez. Case in point: The dynamic duo went out for a decent-enough date on Friday night to see Gomez’s pal Demi Lovato play a show at the Nokia Theatre in downtown Los Angeles. Then, according to TMZ, he surprised Gomez after the concert with an even bigger show right next door at the Staples Center, the 20,000-seat home of the Los Angeles Lakers. Check out photos of Justin and Selena. After 11 p.m., Bieber told Gomez, “follow me,” and the pair walked through an underground tunnel that connects the two arenas. As they walked into the empty building, all Gomez saw was a table for two set up on the floor with a steak and pasta dinner from the venue’s fancy restaurant, the Lexus Club. How much would a private Staples Center date set Justin Bieber back? We crunched the numbers! The major date was inspired by a scene in the Adam Sandler flick “Mr. Deeds,” in which Sandler’s character surprises his love interest, Winona Ryder, with a date for two at Madison Square Garden. After the superstar couple’s meal, things got even more romantic when “Titanic” began playing on a screen in the arena. According to reports, Bieber got the venue for free as a thank-you from the bosses at Staples for his string of three previous sell-outs there. After making things way harder for his fellow man with his big-balling gesture, Biebs had a message for all the dudes out there who aren’t pulling their weight when it comes to the chivalry department. “Romance isn’t dead,” he tweeted after his date. “Treat your lady right fellas.”

Look at Justice Beaver pulling an Arthur/Mr. Deeds. Just straight showing off. Just a giant 6 figure finger to everyone who makes jokes about Bieber being a girl. By the way, how is Bieber not recognized by spell check yet? Dude made over $50 million last year and has had an episode of Glee devoted to him. Anyone who can do all of that and date the hottest chick from Disney since Hilary Duff needs to get recognized at least from Blogger spell check. 

But in all seriousness, this kid is fucked. Anything he tries to do for her will fall short. "Oh, you made me dinner. Well it's not Staples Center steak." "Oh, we are going to the premier of The Lion King 3D. Is anyone else going to be there?" The only thing this kid can do is bring Shia Labeouf in for a threesome because he knows how she gets around him.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Does This Look Like A Coroner Who Still Believes in Spontaneous Combustion

BBCA man who burned to death in his home died as a result of spontaneous combustion, an Irish coroner has ruled. It is believed to be the first case of its kind in Ireland. West Galway coroner Dr Ciaran McLoughlin said it was the first time in 25 years of investigating deaths that he had returned such a verdict. Michael Faherty, 76, died at his home at Clareview Park, Ballybane, Galway on 22 December 2010. An inquest in Galway on Thursday heard how investigators had been baffled as to the cause of death. Forensic experts found a fire in the fireplace of the sitting room where the badly burnt body was found had not been the cause of the blaze that killed Mr Faherty. The court was told that no trace of an accelerant had been found and there had been nothing to suggest foul play. The court heard Mr Faherty had been found lying on his back with his head closest to an open fireplace. The fire had been confined to the sitting room. The only damage was to the body, which was totally burnt, the ceiling above him and the floor underneath him. Dr McLoughlin said he had consulted medical textbooks and carried out other research in an attempt to find an explanation. He said Professor Bernard Knight, in his book on forensic pathology, had written about spontaneous combustion and noted that such reported cases were almost always near an open fireplace or chimney. “This fire was thoroughly investigated and I’m left with the conclusion that this fits into the category of spontaneous human combustion, for which there is no adequate explanation,” he said.

1. I guess one of those gingers went into the sun.
2. Did we not learn anything from the South Park episode about spontaneous combustion?
3. How is spontaneous combustion a legitimate cause of anything, especially after an investigation since December?
4. The guy was 76 years old. Can't we just say he died of old age? Has anyone seen an old Irish ginger? Don't think so. Normally they drink heavily and sleep in coffins until they are summoned back to hell because that is where their soul remains.
5. Where did this coroner get his degree? Torchwood? That's a joke for all the Whovians that read my blog.
6. What a cop out by the coroner. Is this his last open case til he retires?  "What about this arson doc?" "Fuck it, spontaneous combustion. Now, give me my gold watch and let me retire already."
7. When did BBC become as reputable as Weekly World News? What's next BBC, bat boy?
8. Maybe he was just masturbating.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Madden Is God

I was just playing Madden 12 and I had a fucking revelation. Why do you need to challenge plays? Seriously, computers don't fuck up on their own. The computer knows everything that goes on in the game. God can't fuck up. So there must be some stats that were made up by the people at EA Sports about how bad a ref is at calling the game. Is it a constant percent and it doesn't matter who the ref is or do they have a stat dedicated to how bad a referee is. A "Sucks at his job" stat if you will. That is probably something the other refs make fun of the loser for.
"What's up idiot?"
"I didn't do anything wrong."
"That's not what Madden says. Now go back to doing a shitty job."
 "What an asshole. Just 'cause my "probably owes the mod and is forced to be bias to pay off his debt" meter is higher then Chris Johnson's rating of "Run away from cop" speed level doesn't mean I'm an idiot.".

At least the worst overall ranked player has something he's not the worst at. There isn't just one meter for "Good?". I mean, how many criteria can you add together to get a rating as a referee. Is he good at his job? That is about it. That and maybe something for flipping the coin. And arm size (have you seen Ed Hochuli Jr. lately?)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Does This Look Like A Post-Structuralist Who Summed Up 50 Years of Debate and Explination in a Youtube Video?

Was anyone else surprised that this guy knew his shit? No, not because he is black. Name me one person who spews advanced philosophy and turns it into layman's terms. Now narrow that field down to only include people who have done it wearing a Spongebob fitted. Who are you left with besides Hennessey Youngman? And he has perfect fucking examples.

P.s.Step outside of history motherfucker!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Nike is Releasing The Shoes from Back To The Future.

Nice Kicks- When Nike gives you a call at midnight, you know it’s something good. With just a few hours notice Nike flew me out to LA for “a big announcement.” When they won’t tell you what it is until you get there, you know it’s something bigger than a new colorway of Dunks. Upon arriving in the room, I found a box waiting for me with an iPod Shuffle with a personal message from Dr. Emmett Brown: “Welcome to Los Angeles. If my calculations are correct, over the next 24 hours you are about to see some SERIOUS SH*T!” Inside the box was an invite from to “IT’S ABOUT TIME…an unveiling that could change the course of time” as well as metal shield glasses. The table of goodies that included mid 80′s candy, Throwback Pepsi (forumla from 1985), and a copy of Back To The Future all but confirmed the suspicions. About a year ago we shared with you these documents of the Marty McFly Nike Air Mag shoes registered with the US Patent Office. It looks like we’re getting closer to 2015 than we thought!

I cannot fucking believe it. The most iconic shoes from my whole childhood. The kicks I have dreamed about since I was like 10 are becoming real. Granted hoverboards are so far from becoming real that blogger doesn't even consider it a real word. Shit, I'll settle for the invitation gift pack with Doc Brown's bad ass glasses and a bottle of Retro Pepsi. And I'm pretty sure I saw some of the candy where you dip the stick in the packet of pixie stick sugar.

You know these things are gonna run like $250. Especially if they have the automatic laces. Shit, the Space Jams were $175 and they were just from a movie for a little. These have been in the works for like 20 years. If When I buy these, I might just sit on the edge of my car and push my foot down so they tie on their own.

Of course, if these don't have the automatic shoe laces Nike as a whole can go fuck themselves. But if they do, get at me. I will blatantly advertise the shit out of these fucking things. Get at me Nike. Let's do this.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I Wanna Rap With Berga

So, not sure if anyone saw this, but Berga himself saw my post about his hillarious Jewy remix of Ima Boss and commented on it. I just wanted to let him (and everyone else) know that I am a rapper also, looking for a work. Granted, I don't rap about Jew stuff but I could give it a shot.

I've got bagels for my lox, shops for my rocks, a temple on my block and I was raised orthodox.

Granted that line pretty much covers everything I know about being Jewish but Berga is multi-faceted. He raps about other shit too, I think. This was his first video. So get at me Berga. Let's give the people what they want, a sequel to Ima Jew and they want me on it.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Does This Look Like A 61 Year Old College Football Player

Los That Sports- Being a senior in college doesn’t just apply to how many credits you’ve amassed anymore. Faulkner University in Alabama is a small Christian university in the state’s capital of Montgomery with an enrollment of around 3,000 students. The football team participates in the MidSouth conference, and when it takes the field this season it will have a 61 year-old on its roster. Faulkner University officials say that after clearing up a few eligibility concerns, Alan Moore, a former college football player in the 1960s and Vietnam veteran, will take to the field once again this season as the Eagles’ newest team member. Moore was only able to play his freshman year at Jones County Junior College before heading off to Vietnam for 11 months. Watching a football game in 2009 inspired him to purchase footballs, build goal posts in his daughter’s back yard, and practice kicking. Last year Moore was turned away in an attempt to try out for Jones’ team but did end up making the team at Holmes Community College after being referred by the head coach’s aunt. Ironically, he made an appearance for Holmes against Jones County.

Really hanging onto your youth huh? You think this is a good idea? You're playing with kids 40 years younger than you, this isn't kicking footballs in your daughter's back yard. The only thing you have going for you is that you are a kicker and if there is any position on the gridiron for someone who can get half off at the movies because of your senior citizen discount, its place kicker (or punter).

I just can't wait for this guy to get crushed during a kick off or something. I'm just waiting for the Sports Center Not Top 10 when they show this guy trying to stop some 6'2" 225 lb. wide receiver plowing past this guy while he tries to stop him from a run back. Listen, just 'cause old people are able to live their dream sometimes doesn't mean it is a good idea. If you always wanted to live in Florida or learn guitar, go for it. If you want to play football or ride a bull, maybe achieving your dream isn't for you.

Is it just me or does this guy the real life Burt Reynolds from the remake of The Longest Yard? He even looks like him.

Monday, August 29, 2011

People Faking Phone Convos More and More

Reasons to fake talk on the phone:
1. You see some hippies with clip boards stopping people ahead of you about trying to save the rainforests or an endangered species.
2. When you are on the bus getting ready for an hour and a half long trip and don't want to acknowledge someone trying to get you to move over to the inside seat.
3. When you are lost and keep walking back and forth and don't want the people you walk past 5x to think your a lost idiot.
4. When you are waiting for someone or just eating alone and don't wanna look like lame.

Reasons to talk on the phone:
1. The person you're texting doesn't answer you fast enough.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Guys Don't Like Talking About Their Problems

(ScienceDaily) – “For years, popular psychologists have insisted that boys and men would like to talk about their problems but are held back by fears of embarrassment or appearing weak,” said Amanda J. Rose, associate professor of psychological sciences in the MU College of Arts and Science. “However, when we asked young people how talking about their problems would make them feel, boys didn’t express angst or distress about discussing problems any more than girls. Instead, boys’ responses suggest that they just don’t see talking about problems to be a particularly useful activity.” Rose and her colleagues conducted four different studies that included surveys and observations of nearly 2,000 children and adolescents. The researchers found that girls had positive expectations for how talking about problems would make them feel, such as expecting to feel cared for, understood and less alone. On the other hand, boys did not endorse some negative expectations more than girls, such as expecting to feel embarrassed, worried about being teased, or bad about not taking care of the problems themselves. Instead, boys reported that talking about problems would make them feel “weird” and like they were “wasting time.”

And mark another one for pointless studies that waste shit tons of money, time and resources. Ask any guy "Why don't you like talking about your feelings and problems?" and you can expect one of two answers. 1. "It's a waste of time. Talking rarely comes to fruition." or 2. "'Cause I'm too busy doing something about it. God, you sound like my psychiatrist."

Just do an observational study of guys. How many times do fights end because of talking things through? Rarely? And if they do it takes a shit ton of time and effort. You're just better off doing whatever it is you wanna do and prove 'em wrong by being awesome. At least that is what I've always done.

And what does it say women get out of talking? Feeling less alone, understanding and feeling cared for. All they want is to be important. Go figure. The only reason they do pretty much anything.

What this whole thing proves is that girls care 100x more about everything then men do. Guys are even keel for the most part, women are bat-shit crazy.

Disclaimer: I must mention that my girlfriend is the only exception to the above. This must be made addendum so I don't have to deal with the repercussions of saying they're all needy.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Writing Samples That Didn't Get Me Work 2

This sample was rather large. It had to be 500 words minimum. I had to pick three "expertise" fields and I picked football, humor and video games. I had then had to write 500 words about one of the three using key words and answering a question. The question I had answered was "How will the lockout effect my draft?"
While this is not funny, I will still post it because I have nothing better to post today.

Since the lockout, there have been a whole off season of trades over the last month. While this is exciting and makes for great SportCenters and NFL Tonights, this is not good for pretty much every other aspect of football. The teams suffer, the players suffer, and most importantly, your fantasy team suffers.

Answer to "How will the NFL lockout effect my fantasy football draft?" after the break.