Thursday, September 29, 2011

Justin Bieber Gives Selena Gomez The Staples Center

MTVJustin Bieber may only be 17, but the kid has crazy mature boyfriend skills when it comes to doing special things for his girl Selena Gomez. Case in point: The dynamic duo went out for a decent-enough date on Friday night to see Gomez’s pal Demi Lovato play a show at the Nokia Theatre in downtown Los Angeles. Then, according to TMZ, he surprised Gomez after the concert with an even bigger show right next door at the Staples Center, the 20,000-seat home of the Los Angeles Lakers. Check out photos of Justin and Selena. After 11 p.m., Bieber told Gomez, “follow me,” and the pair walked through an underground tunnel that connects the two arenas. As they walked into the empty building, all Gomez saw was a table for two set up on the floor with a steak and pasta dinner from the venue’s fancy restaurant, the Lexus Club. How much would a private Staples Center date set Justin Bieber back? We crunched the numbers! The major date was inspired by a scene in the Adam Sandler flick “Mr. Deeds,” in which Sandler’s character surprises his love interest, Winona Ryder, with a date for two at Madison Square Garden. After the superstar couple’s meal, things got even more romantic when “Titanic” began playing on a screen in the arena. According to reports, Bieber got the venue for free as a thank-you from the bosses at Staples for his string of three previous sell-outs there. After making things way harder for his fellow man with his big-balling gesture, Biebs had a message for all the dudes out there who aren’t pulling their weight when it comes to the chivalry department. “Romance isn’t dead,” he tweeted after his date. “Treat your lady right fellas.”

Look at Justice Beaver pulling an Arthur/Mr. Deeds. Just straight showing off. Just a giant 6 figure finger to everyone who makes jokes about Bieber being a girl. By the way, how is Bieber not recognized by spell check yet? Dude made over $50 million last year and has had an episode of Glee devoted to him. Anyone who can do all of that and date the hottest chick from Disney since Hilary Duff needs to get recognized at least from Blogger spell check. 

But in all seriousness, this kid is fucked. Anything he tries to do for her will fall short. "Oh, you made me dinner. Well it's not Staples Center steak." "Oh, we are going to the premier of The Lion King 3D. Is anyone else going to be there?" The only thing this kid can do is bring Shia Labeouf in for a threesome because he knows how she gets around him.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Does This Look Like A Coroner Who Still Believes in Spontaneous Combustion

BBCA man who burned to death in his home died as a result of spontaneous combustion, an Irish coroner has ruled. It is believed to be the first case of its kind in Ireland. West Galway coroner Dr Ciaran McLoughlin said it was the first time in 25 years of investigating deaths that he had returned such a verdict. Michael Faherty, 76, died at his home at Clareview Park, Ballybane, Galway on 22 December 2010. An inquest in Galway on Thursday heard how investigators had been baffled as to the cause of death. Forensic experts found a fire in the fireplace of the sitting room where the badly burnt body was found had not been the cause of the blaze that killed Mr Faherty. The court was told that no trace of an accelerant had been found and there had been nothing to suggest foul play. The court heard Mr Faherty had been found lying on his back with his head closest to an open fireplace. The fire had been confined to the sitting room. The only damage was to the body, which was totally burnt, the ceiling above him and the floor underneath him. Dr McLoughlin said he had consulted medical textbooks and carried out other research in an attempt to find an explanation. He said Professor Bernard Knight, in his book on forensic pathology, had written about spontaneous combustion and noted that such reported cases were almost always near an open fireplace or chimney. “This fire was thoroughly investigated and I’m left with the conclusion that this fits into the category of spontaneous human combustion, for which there is no adequate explanation,” he said.

1. I guess one of those gingers went into the sun.
2. Did we not learn anything from the South Park episode about spontaneous combustion?
3. How is spontaneous combustion a legitimate cause of anything, especially after an investigation since December?
4. The guy was 76 years old. Can't we just say he died of old age? Has anyone seen an old Irish ginger? Don't think so. Normally they drink heavily and sleep in coffins until they are summoned back to hell because that is where their soul remains.
5. Where did this coroner get his degree? Torchwood? That's a joke for all the Whovians that read my blog.
6. What a cop out by the coroner. Is this his last open case til he retires?  "What about this arson doc?" "Fuck it, spontaneous combustion. Now, give me my gold watch and let me retire already."
7. When did BBC become as reputable as Weekly World News? What's next BBC, bat boy?
8. Maybe he was just masturbating.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Madden Is God

I was just playing Madden 12 and I had a fucking revelation. Why do you need to challenge plays? Seriously, computers don't fuck up on their own. The computer knows everything that goes on in the game. God can't fuck up. So there must be some stats that were made up by the people at EA Sports about how bad a ref is at calling the game. Is it a constant percent and it doesn't matter who the ref is or do they have a stat dedicated to how bad a referee is. A "Sucks at his job" stat if you will. That is probably something the other refs make fun of the loser for.
"What's up idiot?"
"I didn't do anything wrong."
"That's not what Madden says. Now go back to doing a shitty job."
 "What an asshole. Just 'cause my "probably owes the mod and is forced to be bias to pay off his debt" meter is higher then Chris Johnson's rating of "Run away from cop" speed level doesn't mean I'm an idiot.".

At least the worst overall ranked player has something he's not the worst at. There isn't just one meter for "Good?". I mean, how many criteria can you add together to get a rating as a referee. Is he good at his job? That is about it. That and maybe something for flipping the coin. And arm size (have you seen Ed Hochuli Jr. lately?)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Does This Look Like A Post-Structuralist Who Summed Up 50 Years of Debate and Explination in a Youtube Video?

Was anyone else surprised that this guy knew his shit? No, not because he is black. Name me one person who spews advanced philosophy and turns it into layman's terms. Now narrow that field down to only include people who have done it wearing a Spongebob fitted. Who are you left with besides Hennessey Youngman? And he has perfect fucking examples.

P.s.Step outside of history motherfucker!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Nike is Releasing The Shoes from Back To The Future.

Nice Kicks- When Nike gives you a call at midnight, you know it’s something good. With just a few hours notice Nike flew me out to LA for “a big announcement.” When they won’t tell you what it is until you get there, you know it’s something bigger than a new colorway of Dunks. Upon arriving in the room, I found a box waiting for me with an iPod Shuffle with a personal message from Dr. Emmett Brown: “Welcome to Los Angeles. If my calculations are correct, over the next 24 hours you are about to see some SERIOUS SH*T!” Inside the box was an invite from to “IT’S ABOUT TIME…an unveiling that could change the course of time” as well as metal shield glasses. The table of goodies that included mid 80′s candy, Throwback Pepsi (forumla from 1985), and a copy of Back To The Future all but confirmed the suspicions. About a year ago we shared with you these documents of the Marty McFly Nike Air Mag shoes registered with the US Patent Office. It looks like we’re getting closer to 2015 than we thought!

I cannot fucking believe it. The most iconic shoes from my whole childhood. The kicks I have dreamed about since I was like 10 are becoming real. Granted hoverboards are so far from becoming real that blogger doesn't even consider it a real word. Shit, I'll settle for the invitation gift pack with Doc Brown's bad ass glasses and a bottle of Retro Pepsi. And I'm pretty sure I saw some of the candy where you dip the stick in the packet of pixie stick sugar.

You know these things are gonna run like $250. Especially if they have the automatic laces. Shit, the Space Jams were $175 and they were just from a movie for a little. These have been in the works for like 20 years. If When I buy these, I might just sit on the edge of my car and push my foot down so they tie on their own.

Of course, if these don't have the automatic shoe laces Nike as a whole can go fuck themselves. But if they do, get at me. I will blatantly advertise the shit out of these fucking things. Get at me Nike. Let's do this.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I Wanna Rap With Berga

So, not sure if anyone saw this, but Berga himself saw my post about his hillarious Jewy remix of Ima Boss and commented on it. I just wanted to let him (and everyone else) know that I am a rapper also, looking for a work. Granted, I don't rap about Jew stuff but I could give it a shot.

I've got bagels for my lox, shops for my rocks, a temple on my block and I was raised orthodox.

Granted that line pretty much covers everything I know about being Jewish but Berga is multi-faceted. He raps about other shit too, I think. This was his first video. So get at me Berga. Let's give the people what they want, a sequel to Ima Jew and they want me on it.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Does This Look Like A 61 Year Old College Football Player

Los That Sports- Being a senior in college doesn’t just apply to how many credits you’ve amassed anymore. Faulkner University in Alabama is a small Christian university in the state’s capital of Montgomery with an enrollment of around 3,000 students. The football team participates in the MidSouth conference, and when it takes the field this season it will have a 61 year-old on its roster. Faulkner University officials say that after clearing up a few eligibility concerns, Alan Moore, a former college football player in the 1960s and Vietnam veteran, will take to the field once again this season as the Eagles’ newest team member. Moore was only able to play his freshman year at Jones County Junior College before heading off to Vietnam for 11 months. Watching a football game in 2009 inspired him to purchase footballs, build goal posts in his daughter’s back yard, and practice kicking. Last year Moore was turned away in an attempt to try out for Jones’ team but did end up making the team at Holmes Community College after being referred by the head coach’s aunt. Ironically, he made an appearance for Holmes against Jones County.

Really hanging onto your youth huh? You think this is a good idea? You're playing with kids 40 years younger than you, this isn't kicking footballs in your daughter's back yard. The only thing you have going for you is that you are a kicker and if there is any position on the gridiron for someone who can get half off at the movies because of your senior citizen discount, its place kicker (or punter).

I just can't wait for this guy to get crushed during a kick off or something. I'm just waiting for the Sports Center Not Top 10 when they show this guy trying to stop some 6'2" 225 lb. wide receiver plowing past this guy while he tries to stop him from a run back. Listen, just 'cause old people are able to live their dream sometimes doesn't mean it is a good idea. If you always wanted to live in Florida or learn guitar, go for it. If you want to play football or ride a bull, maybe achieving your dream isn't for you.

Is it just me or does this guy the real life Burt Reynolds from the remake of The Longest Yard? He even looks like him.

Monday, August 29, 2011

People Faking Phone Convos More and More

Reasons to fake talk on the phone:
1. You see some hippies with clip boards stopping people ahead of you about trying to save the rainforests or an endangered species.
2. When you are on the bus getting ready for an hour and a half long trip and don't want to acknowledge someone trying to get you to move over to the inside seat.
3. When you are lost and keep walking back and forth and don't want the people you walk past 5x to think your a lost idiot.
4. When you are waiting for someone or just eating alone and don't wanna look like lame.

Reasons to talk on the phone:
1. The person you're texting doesn't answer you fast enough.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Guys Don't Like Talking About Their Problems

(ScienceDaily) – “For years, popular psychologists have insisted that boys and men would like to talk about their problems but are held back by fears of embarrassment or appearing weak,” said Amanda J. Rose, associate professor of psychological sciences in the MU College of Arts and Science. “However, when we asked young people how talking about their problems would make them feel, boys didn’t express angst or distress about discussing problems any more than girls. Instead, boys’ responses suggest that they just don’t see talking about problems to be a particularly useful activity.” Rose and her colleagues conducted four different studies that included surveys and observations of nearly 2,000 children and adolescents. The researchers found that girls had positive expectations for how talking about problems would make them feel, such as expecting to feel cared for, understood and less alone. On the other hand, boys did not endorse some negative expectations more than girls, such as expecting to feel embarrassed, worried about being teased, or bad about not taking care of the problems themselves. Instead, boys reported that talking about problems would make them feel “weird” and like they were “wasting time.”

And mark another one for pointless studies that waste shit tons of money, time and resources. Ask any guy "Why don't you like talking about your feelings and problems?" and you can expect one of two answers. 1. "It's a waste of time. Talking rarely comes to fruition." or 2. "'Cause I'm too busy doing something about it. God, you sound like my psychiatrist."

Just do an observational study of guys. How many times do fights end because of talking things through? Rarely? And if they do it takes a shit ton of time and effort. You're just better off doing whatever it is you wanna do and prove 'em wrong by being awesome. At least that is what I've always done.

And what does it say women get out of talking? Feeling less alone, understanding and feeling cared for. All they want is to be important. Go figure. The only reason they do pretty much anything.

What this whole thing proves is that girls care 100x more about everything then men do. Guys are even keel for the most part, women are bat-shit crazy.

Disclaimer: I must mention that my girlfriend is the only exception to the above. This must be made addendum so I don't have to deal with the repercussions of saying they're all needy.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Writing Samples That Didn't Get Me Work 2

This sample was rather large. It had to be 500 words minimum. I had to pick three "expertise" fields and I picked football, humor and video games. I had then had to write 500 words about one of the three using key words and answering a question. The question I had answered was "How will the lockout effect my draft?"
While this is not funny, I will still post it because I have nothing better to post today.

Since the lockout, there have been a whole off season of trades over the last month. While this is exciting and makes for great SportCenters and NFL Tonights, this is not good for pretty much every other aspect of football. The teams suffer, the players suffer, and most importantly, your fantasy team suffers.

Answer to "How will the NFL lockout effect my fantasy football draft?" after the break.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Ima Jew is the New Hot Single of the Summer

1. How has he not made a collabo with Zach. That could be the next Watch The Throne.
2. I kind of like this version better than Rick Ross's.
3. Whats the guy from Weeds doing in the video?
4. No joke, I thought the yellow thing above his shoulder 10 seconds was either Mr. Burns or a Shy Guy from Super Mario Bros. 
5. I bet the black guy with the bucket hat (1:24) just heard the Rick Ross music and tried to get in on the video.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Foul Ball Catches Are More Interesting Than The Actual Baseball Games

Is it just me or does it seem like there are more videos and stories about the fans at baseball games than the actual games.You got people dying, people catching balls in beer cups, kids putting offering prizes for hitting siblings. And now you have guys catching balls with babies in their hands. No one really gives a shit about the games anymore, now its all about being the guy who can catch a ball a weird way. Its like The Price is Right now, no one gives a shit about watching Drew Carey's boring ass ruin a show I watched every time I was home sick from school. They just wanna come on down to Contestant's Row.

Is it just me or does it seem like we'll have another Steve Bartman incident in the playoffs? That seems to be the only way to conclude a season of so many weird ass fan catches.

Friday, August 12, 2011

The National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance is A Real Thing

( A group calling itself the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA) says that when First Lady Michelle Obama created her anti-obesity “Let’s Move!” initiative, she unfairly singled out fat kids, turning them into targets. Speaking at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C., Monday, NAAFA public relations director Peggy Howell said the First Lady “essentially gave permission to everyone to condemn the children with higher body weights.” Howell called Obama’s Let’s Move! campaign “well-intentioned, but somewhat misdirected.” “What I mean by ‘misdirected’ is that rather than educating and encouraging our nation to create healthy practices for all children, focusing on the health of all our children, children of higher body weight have been singled out and the focus of the campaign is on weight reduction and not on improving children’s health.  “Studies indicate that children of higher body weight are 65 percent more likely to be bullied than children of lower body weight. When our First Lady said that we have to wipeout childhood obesity in one generation, she essentially gave permission to everyone to condemn the children with higher body weights. How this translates in real life is that these children experience more ridicule, more teasing, more bullying, and the perpetrators feel justified in their actions because after all, the First Lady said these kids have to go.” Howell said being targets — whether intended or not — causes heavy children “pain and suffering” – even depression and suicide.

The NAAFA is literally the worst group of people I have ever heard of. They are fat and want other people to be fat so they don't feel bad about themselves. Like, these people are the same to me who try and stop kids from getting vaccines, or the people who try and stop abortions. Obesity, disease and not being wanted can all lead to a shitty unhealthy lives.

Being targeted can lead to "pain and suffering" but it can also lead to losing weight and becoming healthy. Hell, the First Lady should just hire bullies, they would be just as effective. Just torment all the fat kids til they lose weight. Mission Accomplished.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Abstenance or No Text Books. The College Student's Easy Sophie's Choice

MSNBC- Many college students would go to great lengths to avoid carrying textbooks, with some even willing to give up sex and dating for a year, according to a new survey. Education software company Kno found that students would make surprising sacrifices to get out of lugging around heavy textbooks. In fact, 34 percent would prefer to stay in every Saturday night for a semester and half of the respondents said they would eat boxed macaroni and cheese for a month rather than carry textbooks every day of school for a semester. Even more surprising, one in four college students said they would give up sex for an entire year to not carry around textbooks. About 20 percent said they would give up dating for the same period as well. Also making the list is taking 8 a.m. classes every day (34 percent) and having parents visit every other weekend for a year (28 percent).

So apparently 25% of all college students are nerds. Have you ever seen a chemistry book? I saw some Asian dude walking around with one last semester. He needed a whole different backpack for that shit. You know the Pharmacy genius spends all his time studying anyway, no time to get laid. And if he did, the size of that one book fucks up his back so much he probably can't put any force into the thrusts anyway. Not to mention the rest of the ridiculous class load those pill pushers are taking.

No doubt they're mixed in with the "morning people" to make the third that would rather take 8am classes 5x a week. Sorry bro, I got shit to do at night, like have friends and pound natty lights til I black out. Then sleep in til I'm late for my first class which starts after you're done for the day.

The only thing I completely understand and would agree to is having my parents visit every other weekend. 2 weeks is perfect. Long enough for them to give me money and do my laundry. And I still have a weekend to rage out. And why can't I chill with my parents with a hangover smelling like sex? They know I am in college. Just so long as I don't start doing heavy drugs or snorting bath salts I can do no wrong.

Shark Week is Over Rated

So, every year I tell myself "this year I will watch some shark week." but I never do. And do you want to know why? Because it is boring as hell. Time for all the band-wagoners to arm your rotten tomatoes and heads of lettuce. For some reason that I can't comprehend why everyone cums their pants when it is time for Shark Week. I seem to be the only one who doesn't feel like I'm watching porn without all the self-loathing. Granted sharks are cool. They are scary and dangerous and shit. But not very interesting. There are literally 100 things that happen during shark week that I would rather watch. Shit, I'll turn to the boring ass "Debt Crisis" coverage before I try and watch some shark week again.

They can't even show the actual attacks like other wildlife shows either. Granted you show me someone getting a foot bitten off while surfing like that chick in Hawaii or a guy in chain mail getting tossed around like a rag doll I will 100% tune in. But since it is only ever footage of them swimming around looking menacingly it gets boring after the first commercial break. It starts to just look like a screensaver after 5 minutes. Maybe just to celebrate this over hyped week I'll just watch some good shark footage and watch Jaws instead. At least they show the good parts.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Writing Samples That Didn't Get Me Work 1

So, lately I have been sending out writing samples to websites who are looking for writers. I stumbled across one ad that gave a prompt asking for one of three articles. The options were 1. Why women like gay guys. 2. Five signs you are a stalker. And 3, well I don't remember 3 but it was something along par with the other two. I went with the five signs you are a stalker. Without further adieu here is a submission that didn't get me a job.

1. If you ever find yourself outside her window without her knowledge.
I know a flashlight is normal to keep in the back of your car but military grade night-vision goggles? Dude, pick up the empty red bull cans, the trail mix bag and whatever you were using as a toilet and get out of her bushes. Go home and watch Big Brother instead. Despite what you may think, you can become quite emotionally attached to those people as well. And they ignore you like your ex is doing while she sits there eating dinner with her new boyfriend.

2. When you go to type facebook in your address bar and their profile is suggested before
In the new age of Facebook and Twitter (permitted stalking), you don't even need to leave your house to become a creeper. When you make someone's profile page your home screen, you have gone a step too far, especially after she removed you as a friend.

3. When you are at her work more than yours.
Dude, there is no reason for you to be at Starbucks 8x a shift every day she is working. Unless you are a script writer (or blogger), there is no reason for you to stay in any coffee house for hours at a time (and no, "free wifi" is not a good enough excuse).

4. Shrine of any kind.
Any kind of memorial or shrine, especially one that has a statue or totem. Granted the best example of this is Helga from Hey, Arnold! but it doesn't need to be that elaborate (or creepy) to be stalkery. Is "stalkery" a real word? It is now. The closes to a shrine you can have is a photo album that doesn't get opened. An open photo album on a coffee table opened up to an ex is just as bad as a statue of them with the medium of choice being their chewed up gum.

5. Going through her garbage.
The only time this is acceptable is when you are in a relationship and she loses something valuable. But when you just got done crying about how you miss her and decide to go dumpster diving outside her apartment at 2 am like a homeless guy looking for a midnight snack, you have crossed a line or two.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Amy Winehouse is Dead. Shocker?

So, people are surprised this bitch is dead? Like, I found out at work and was more shocked she was still alive. When your biggest hit is about not going to rehab, how are people shocked when you're killed by crack.

Is it just me or was this chick the most bi-polar girl alive when it came to being hot. Compare the pic above with this one. How someone can be so hot at times but than look like the picture above.

Hell, I was more surprised when I found out the NFLPA accepted the deal and now we get football soon enough. I was about to be super pissed with missing the only sport I really watch.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Corn-Hole Prodigy? Really?

Found this little gem on about every fucking news outlet around. But I ignored it, because let's face it, who really wants to see a kid play in a yard while parents think their kid is special. But then I saw it on Yahoo! on their front goddamn page. There are only 4 stories at a time there. The others are about the NFL lockout ($9 billion dollar story), some chick making the new facebook ($100 million dollar story) and a story about Congress and the budget (ridiculous amounts of money). So, how if this video is in the same class as these stories, I guess I'm missing out.

I wasn't missing a fucking thing. It is exactly what I thought it was gonna be. Even if this kid didn't go 0 for 7 in the round right before that (simple editing could of fixed that). But let's be honest, who is really following the future of corn-holing? I mean bocce ball is 100x better than corn-hole but no-one still gives a shit about that either. This isn't a football prodigy, or basketball or anything. Great, this kid will be a hit in 15 years during tailgates and bbq's. Good luck trying to make any money off killing it half the time

P.s. Cheating bastard only threw 7 from like 3 feet away. How about you take a couple steps back and throw the 8th bag.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I Plead The Fifth (i.e. Me Trying My Lawyering Skills)

GeeksAreSexy- A Colorado court case could set a precedent on whether the right to remain silent extends to encrypted files. The Justice Department wants a federal judge to rule that defendant Ramon Fricosu must decrypt a laptop that prosecutors believe has evidence showing her guilt in an alleged mortgage scam. Fricosu’s lawyers say doing so could incriminate her, and thus she has the legal right to refuse to do so under the Fifth Amendment, specifically the best known section, which reads “nor shall [a person] be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself.” There is, to say the least, an element of confusion over how both the constitution and previous legal interpretations of it relate to computer encryption. The government lawyers believe the case should be likened to ordering a defendant to provide a key to a safe, which has been judged legal in the past. The defense side counters that Fricosu is being required to provide a form of “compelled testimonial communications”. It’s preferred comparison is to a defendant asked to provide the combination to a lock on a safe, a request previous rulings have said cannot be mandatory. With the ball back in the government’s court, the most important element may be that it’s request in the case is not for Fricosu to provide any information such as handing over a decryption key. Instead it wants her to decrypt the files herself, with nobody else seeing the decryption key... The most directly relevant case, where prosecutors wanted to force the defendant to decrypt files, didn’t get as far as a ruling because the defendant complied.

Warning: Not a comedy blog. Granted, most people don't find my other posts to be comedy either but this one is not supposed to be.

Now, as a psychology major who might go to law school my legal knowledge is slightly above average. I can fight a speeding ticket but I'm still getting someone to fight for me for anything worse than that. So, I am going to try and guess what will happen in the case. 

1. The people who are comparing this to a key are stretching. A key is physical evidence. In a trial, withholding physical evidence from the other party is a federal crime. If the plaintiff or defendant has evidence that has been requested, they must turn it over. This is not physical evidence, therefore it does not need to be handed over.

2. When someone is called in to consult, i.e. to do something like decrypt a file, they become an "expert witness". If, while being considered an "expert witness", the defendant would incriminate themselves, they may plead the 5th because they would then be "a witness against himself". Word for word what the 5th Amendment says.

So, as Marshall Erikson would say, "Lawyered"

Friday, July 8, 2011

Jack And Jill Looks Like A Piece of Shit

How bad does this piece of shit look? This has the worst of every comedy put together. Drag, multiple roles, Adam Sandler. I mean how good can a movie be when Shaq is in the top 4 billed (see Kazaam and Steel)? I mean for christ sake, this is going to be less funny than Funny People. The only thing that would be worse than this is if Adam Sandler made Billy Madison 2. At least this hasn't fucked up some movie in my childhood yet.

P.s. How great was Sandler during his 95-00 run. You can't find me a movie run of gold like Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Waterboy, and Big Daddy, except for like Pacino circa 73-83 (Godfather, Serpico, Dog Day Afternoon, Scarface).

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Stay At Home Dad Group In NY

There are a group of stay at home dads who are basically kept and all they have to do is take care of their kids. Where do I sign up? This is a no brainer in my book. Granted I'd have to have a kid, but if this shit is around in 10 years I will be 1st in line to sign up. All I really do now is hang out around the house when I'm not at work. Now, if I didn't have to work and still didn't live a shitty life who wouldn't rather stay at home. Just teaching your kid how to play xbox and the rules of football. Just like having a little friend. Teach him how to fetch you beers and you'll be all set.

Monday, July 4, 2011

"I Thought She Was Dead" Now Acceptable Defense For Rape

(Newser) – A man accused of raping a woman as she lay unconscious on a city sidewalk in broad daylight told cops he thought he was merely molesting a corpse, according to investigators. Witnesses who say they saw Melvin Jackson having sex with the woman flagged down a passing patrol car. When officers stopped Jackson, who was walking down the street with his pants unzipped, he said: "I thought that lady was dead," the Kansas City Star reports. The victim told police that she passed out after feeling dizzy while walking. She does not remember the alleged attack, but says she woke up without her underwear and recalls hearing shouts of "Help her! Get off her!" from witnesses. "I've been a prosecutor for a long time, so you kinda get to the point where not a lot surprises you," said a Jackson County prosecutor. "This is a new one. This is not one that I've seen come through before."

Who does this bitch think she is, Lucille 2? Who gets so dizzy walking around they pass out on a sidewalk? 100% this chick is not from New York. If you ever lived in NY you know to never sleep anywhere. Shit, I barely blink on the subway, those people who sleep on the subway are fucking dumb. You're ask for trouble. You nap your way to Brooklyn on the F and you plan on being robbed or raped.

Does this defense actually hold up? Especially since he probably would of gotten away with it if the people around them weren't yelling for him to stop. If they just let him do his thing everyone could of gone home without causing a scene.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Vibrators Are Allowed On Airplanes Again

WASHINGTON, D.C.- In addition to knowing that you can access your MP3 player or smart phone on a long flight, you can rest assured that your trusty Rabbit Habit or silk wrist sashes can stay within reach on those cross-country treks. Earlier this week, the Transportation Security Administration announced that vibrators are safe to pack in carry-on bags when flying. Also safe are whips, chains, leashes, restraints and manacles. An article on AOL’s travel site notes, however, that not everyone should pack their goodies in their overnight bag.  “Are you a nervous traveler already?” the article reads. “Prone to looking shifty in line? Yep, you’re going to get flagged. And when you’re flagged, you’re inspected.”  The TSA also reminds travelers that any item that is “club-like” or objects that are “anatomically correct cylinders of roughly a foot or so in length” are still prohibited. In other words, size matters: Keep it under 7 inches and you should be fine.

So, apparently vibrators are allowed back on flights. No big deal. What is a big deal is that this means that they were banned at one point. Like how did that happen? "So, we need to tighten up security. So along with guns, knifes drugs and bombs we are now not letting people bring lighters,  enough fluids to create bombs, anything sharp and vibrators." Than apparently people were like "definitely less vibrators". If anything that would make them more dangerous. How many times have you seen a chick fly off the handles and just thought 'that cunt just needs to get laid'. Shit, they should keep some of them on the plane just in case some crazy chick starts to get hysterical. In case of emergency there are oxygen masks, inflatable rafts and vibrators.

Mark my words, sluts with giant vaginas could possibly have an inequality lawsuit here. Just some old whore with a wizard sleeve between her legs who can't feel anything less than 7 inches is gonna be pissed she can't get off but the chick in 14B whose only been getting it in with Asian dudes is gonna have no problem with her Magic Bullet. I know this is the magic bullet but how did no dildo companies come up with that name first. They are some of the most creative mother fuckers in the game. I should of hired one of them to name my blog. Would of been the best fucking title ever.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Chinese Chick Offers Virginity for iPhone

HuffPo - Is this a case of consumerism at its worst–or just a hoax? Business Insider is reporting that a Chinese teenager posted on Weibo, China’s version of Twitter, that she would trade her virginity in exchange for an iPhone 4. Reports of the girl’s posting first surfaced last week in Biznewschina and the Korean Herald, which wrote that the girl posted a photo of herself along with basic personal information, because it’s her “dream to own a iPhone 4 but her father won’t let her get one.” The post, which many believe to be fake or a cruel prank played on the girl, has been met with a negative response and considerable criticism. While it sounds unbelievable, this wouldn’t be the first case of a Chinese teen going to extreme lengths for the latest technology.

1. Does this include any bills for it being paid? Does she have to pay for all the shit herself? Is this guy gonna pay for 4G, my hotspot,
2. Does it come with accessories? A case is crucial to having an iPod/iPhone last more than like 2 months without it breaking. What about those bomb ass headphones with the mic in the wire? Those are clutch to this deal going down.
3. I wonder if she would do anal for an iPad?
4. No wonder her parents won't let her have an iPhone. Imagine the sexting that chick would be doing. Shit, she is already whoring herself out on Twitter.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Parents Let Children Have Sex In House

Giant would you rather here. Would you rather be a kid when you grew up or now? We keep hearing stories about shit being taken away from kids like fucking dodgeball, pinatas, and even balloons for Christ sake. So when you get this curveball thrown your way you are taken aback. Like, before this information leaked there would be no chance of me trading my childhood era for right now.  But if I could trade dodgeball for not having to worry about parents walking in I might take the deal. Shit, if I would never have to use the through the fly under the sun dress move again. Making sure your pants are the perfect distance away so that they aren't getting in the way but close enough that you can grab them if someone knocks and you need to scramble quick.

P.s. Wonder who the "cool parents" are in that neighborhood?

P.s.s. I tried using the same rational for drinking as a kid. "Hey mom, would you rather me go drink a 30 pack of Natty Light with friends out in empty parking lot or drink at home so I don't get in trouble and probably die."

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Soccer Players on Female Ghana Might Be Dudes

AFRICATwo players from the Equitorial Guinea women’s team have been dropped after their Ghanian opponents accused them of being men. On the eve of the Women’s World Cup in Germany later this month, Salimata and Bilguisa Simpore have been omitted from the national squad in the wake of a victory over Ghana that the losing side believe had a lot to do with the manliness of a couple of their opponents. “You only need to have physical contact with them to know this, and we can tell from what happened most times during the match,” said Ghana’s Diana Ankomah, according to an ESPN report.Ghana captain Florence Okoe added: “It is not as if we are throwing sour grapes, just because we have lost. Rather, this is the fact and it is up to the organisers to do something about this. It is not good for African women’s football.”

Guess Chad Ochocinco actually did make it playing soccer, he just had to go to fucking Ghana and join a girl's league. Is it worth it? Would you live in Ghana to be able to live your dream job, if you can even do it there? Like, if your dream job has to do with the internet, technology of any kind created before 1980, food that doesn't have flies swarming around it in an open market, movies, sports (besides soccer, rugby or cricket (if your dream job is to play cricket, just go play fucking cricket. Pretty sure it's not too tough to find a league to play in over there. Or just play baseball.)) than you can't really do it there. Like, my dream job would either be football player, porn star, or get paid like 500k per post to write blogs. Can't be a football player there and no chance I'm fucking chicks from Ghana. That leaves me getting paid to do this. Granted it is 500k more per post than I am making now but I would have to live in Ghana. Plus I'm getting paid in Ghana money, whatever the fuck that is. Not sure I could do it. I kind of like normal food and not having to dodge chickens and goats during my commute to watch some dudes kick some ass in a girls soccer league, which seems like the only form of entertainment since they probably only have like two channels that come in when you use the rabbit ears.

P.s. Not to be racist or anything but don't these guys chicks look like the guy from Blood Diamond?

Friday, June 24, 2011

People That Fat Mac (Rob McElhenney) Looks Like

Holy shit. What happened to Mac? Not enough martial arts I guess. Damn did he let himself go. Did all this happen while taping next season of It's Always Sunny? Did he get pregnant like Dee? Holy fat cheeks, way to make them look 100x bigger with that weird ass beard. Well to the title of this post: People that Mac looks like now that he is like 50 lbs fatter:
Billy Mays
Fat Steven Seagal
Al from Home Improvement
Big Boy after he learned to grow facial hair

And look at Dennis the Bob Dylan look alike in picture 2.

-Photos from Barstool Philly

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Sloppy Tuna; Vegetarian Sloppy Joe Substitute or Best Bar Name Ever?

NY Times - Something stinks in Montauk. A popular new bar called The Sloppy Tuna has locals up in arms over its sexually charged name and a wild, scantily clad clientele more suited for "Jersey Shore." The oceanfront watering hole, which opened this weekend after replacing old-school Nick's on the Beach, draws throngs of girls in Snooki-style skintight miniskirts and bikinis, along with buffed-out men. "It's a huge, drunk crowd," said Chris Kalimnios, 21, an employee at a neighboring hotel. "It's a bunch of sloppy girls, so the name isn't that far off." Resident Ginny Bennis blasted the name choice, saying it's an old seafaring slur for prostitutes who wait at ports for sailors.

Hey Ginny, how about you stop being a cock-block. This is the best name for a bar ever. The Sloppy Tuna? How perfect is it. People go there to get sloppy drunk and they are right by the beach, hence the tuna part. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the gross, soggy vag that will be infesting that place all summer. Just watch their business boom with frat bros, all thinking one thing. "Hey bro, lets go get some trim at the Sloppy Tuna". And forget about forgetting about the name, how the fuck are you not going to remember the Sloppy Tuna? Shit, I think they just created a new term for a wizard's sleeve. "How was that sorostitute you picked up at the bar last nite?" "Dude, sloppy tuna like a 40 year old mother of 3."

And on the flip side, what dirty smut will be excited go to a place called "The Sloppy Tuna"? Like, "OMG Brittany, where should we go out to tonight." "Um, I'm in a Sloppy Tuna kind of mood."

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Weirdest Rape-At-Gunpoint Ever

Louisville, KY (The Weekly Vice) - Anton Malone, a 19-year-old Kentucky man was charged after he allegedly forced a man to perform sex acts on him at gun point – then shot the victim in the leg when he was finished. According to Louisville police, Malone forced another man at gun point to perform oral sex on him behind the Jefferson Community and Technical College building on Saturday night around midnight. Malone then allegedly forced the victim to perform anal sex on him before attempting to sodomize the victim – which was unsuccessful. Malone then forced the man to perform oral sex on him a second time – this time to completion. Once the sex acts were completed, Malone reportedly shot the victim twice in the left leg before fleeing the scene.

List time.

1. Apparently Kareem Said is back to his old acts (Kareem Said is a character from Oz on HBO about prison and this motherfucker looks identical to him).
2. How do you punish a guy that is forcing guys to stick it in his butt? Like, you can't send him to prison, that must be fucking heaven for this guy. Motherfucker doesn't even need a gun to get some action in prison.
3. Dave Chappelle is in 2 posts in a row. Granted this time it is about man-on-man rape but still, I think this is a first.
4. I just found this while searching for the above link. How spot on is his train of thought on this?
5. How can some dude go to the police and 1. say he was forced to blow a guy with a gun, and 2. the gun wielder looking for some head came. You think the guy who was doing the blowing kinda felt proud he made him "reach completion"? Maybe Anton knew something about this guy no one else knew.
6. How can you force a guy to be the pitcher? Unless he was rocking a serious fear boner.
7. Did the guy have a check list with him? "Gun, check. Mask, check. Anal lube, check. Okay, let's go do this shit."
8. How can you be bent over getting it stuck in your pooper, and still try and point a gun at the dude behind you?

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Chappelle Show Is Back (Kind Of)

The Daily – Dave Chappelle is back, bitches! The beloved comic is planning a new TV show with a paid subscription service like Netflix, Sony’s Crackle, or Hulu, which are now competing in the original programming game, a plugged-in source told Flash. “Dave Chappelle’s going back to TV,” tattled our insider. “It’s not for a network. It’s for Netflix or Crackle or some other subscription service.”Chappelle had one of the biggest flameouts in show business history when he abruptly went MIA in 2005, bolting his top-rated “Chappelle’s Show” in its third season. The funnyman shocked the world when he walked away from the $50 million Comedy Central would have paid him over the next two years. “I felt like some kind of prostitute or something. If I feel so bad, why keep on showing up to this place?” Chappelle confessed to Oprah Winfrey when he returned from his strange pilgrimage to South Africa. “The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.” More recently, Chappelle has been dropping by comedy clubs from Los Angeles to San Francisco for surprise standup gigs, calling himself the “Big Foot of Comedy” because “you never know when he’s going to show up.” A source at Hollywood’s Laugh Factory said Chappelle has been trying out fresh material: “It’s all new. He started off talking about his career and what he’s going to do now, because someone like him can’t do ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ He’s obviously working on some new project.” Chappelle’s been joking about his stalled career and riffing about President Obama, but not all of it has been side-splitting hilarity. “It was really depressing. He was talking about the past, about the show,” said a comedy circuit veteran who caught a Chappelle gig at The Comedy Store in L.A. “Not that many people walk away from a show like that on Comedy Central and get a second chance. But he’s still incredible.” Chappelle appeared super-sober, said our source: “People were offering him [marijuana], but he wasn’t taking any.” A move to a streaming service like Hulu would allow Chappelle to bypass the lack of creative control he claims he had at Comedy Central parent company Viacom.

Well it's not official and it won't be on Comedy Central but Dave Chappelle  is back. His show was one of the top 5 funnies shows of all time. It was like a funny "Important Things with Demetri Martin". This will be somewhere like Hulu or Netflix, somewhere where he has the creative freedom like he didn't have at Comedy Central. You know, the reason he ran to Africa. Cause he was CC's bitch and he hated it. This is one of the few shows I have on DVD. Like everything this guy put out, even the "Lost Episodes". His stand up is still fire and he probably has shit back logged about like "If I still had a show, this is what I would do." I just might have to get that stupid Hulu Plus I see commercials for all the time while I am watching the free Hulu. The only advert they had to show was "Coming Soon. Dave Chappelle's new show." Boom, sold.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Donaghy and Lemon for Mayor(s) of New York

(NEWSER) – With Anthony Weiner’s hopes of becoming mayor of New York City rapidly shriveling, Alec Baldwin spies an opportunity. The 30 Rock star is believed to be considering throwing his hat into the ring now that the front-runner is fading, reports the Wall Street Journal. With the primary still two years away, “I wouldn’t rule it out,” says Baldwin’s spokesman. “It’s a long way till November of 2013,” tweeted the actor, a Democrat.

Look at Jack Donaghy running for mayor.  I would vote for him if I could vote in NY. If he wins he better bring Tina Fey in to office rite? Like, she turned his life around. One minute he's calling his daughter a "little pig" on the phone, next he's got 2 Emmys, 3 Golden Globes. All because of 30 Rock. It has to be Jack that runs tho, not Alec. Running New York can't be too far frombeing Vice President of East Coast Television/Kabletown and Microwave Ovens at GE. And hey, I'd rather have the mayor of my state get in trouble for tough love than sending his dick through the internet to random bitches in like 10 different states.

Delta is a Bunch of Terrorists Who Hate Soldiers and Freedom

Huffington Post- Staff Sgt. Robert O'Hair of Colorado and his unit flew back to the U.S. after almost a year of service in Afghanistan Tuesday. Upon checking in with Delta Airlines, the soldiers were hit with a nasty surprise: over $2,800 in excess baggage fees for their unit. Most of the soldiers had four bags, exceeding Delta's three free checked-bag policy for military personnel. In a video posted to YouTube, Sgt. O'Hair says his fourth bag "was a weapons case, holding my M4, 203 grenade launcher and 9mm (pistol) ... the tools that I use to protect myself and Afghan citizens while I was deployed in the country." "A lot of the guys didn't bring credit cards because, heck, how much do we need credit cards in Afghanistan?" he asked.While the military will reimburse the soldiers for the excess fees, O'Hair and others were forced to pay out-of-pocket. "We regret that this experience caused these soldiers to feel anything but welcome on their return home," wrote Rachael Rensink on the Delta Airlines Blog, "We honor their service and are grateful for the sacrifices of our military service members and their families." In a press release Wednesday, Delta announced an increased baggage limit for U.S. Military personnel to four free checked items. United and American Airlines also announced updated policies.

Really? You wanted them to feel welcome? People throw parties and welcoming groups to make soldiers feel welcome. Give em free shit when they come in to your work. Buy 'em a beer. You don't charge them for shit they used to protect us. Delta charged them for shit when he even says that they don't have credit cards because even Afghans don't charge for stupid shit like a 4th bag. What this guy should of told Delta and TSA is "Sorry I can't fit all my freedom protecting tools in 3 bags because my bulletproof vest and American flag took up too much space. And btw way to keep us safe TSA, way to put your country first. Pussies." If there isn't a boycott of Delta soon I will be shocked. Hell, people were boycotting Starbucks because they weren't sending soldiers in Iraq free coffee. Fuckers probably charged them for pretzels and that half a can of Coke they give out too.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Anthony Weiner Needs Some Advice

So, apparently it's not okay to send chicks pictures of your junk? Dude if you are gonna go showin your dick to chicks via pictures you need to keep to a couple of rules/guidelines.
1. Watch this (that was a link you were supposed to click). That is pretty much all you need to know.
2. How are you getting in trouble for a shot of you still wearing clothes. That is probably why you didn't get any off this pic. Full Monty or you mind as well not even bother. Look at Brett Favre, he didn't give a shit and people probably forgot by now.
3. Why didn't you change your name back during school when people were calling you wiener. Do you know how many different "Weiner's Weiner" or "Weiner Exposed" headlines I have seen. People aren't even getting clever anymore.
4. Who in their right fucking mind would send this kind of shit through twitter and facebook? Dude, you don't have email? Maybe something so that when you do send a picture or message that not everyone gets it?

It has now also come out that he had engaged in dirty messaging (I hate the term sext, its retarded) with six other girls. Weiner is the Tiger Woods of the Congress. Except Tiger was getting it in and Weiner was better off going to a couple of times a week instead of flirting with bitches across the country.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Chick Uses Piss As Perfume

AOL News: Conceptual artist Cherry Tree has a scent of mystery about her. And the smell of urine. Her urine. And it’s intentional. For the last five years, Tree, who splits time between Missouri and Spain, has been turning her own urine into perfume. “I am very much into recycling,” Tree, born Charity Blansit, told AOL Weird News. “And urine is something I’ve thought needs to be recycled, since it’s something that gets eliminated.” It’s a whiz of an idea and one that Tree was inspired to turn into a reality in 2006. “It was the first morning after a full moon,” she said. “And I decided to collect my urine in a perfume bottle.” At first, Tree’s concept was only to collect urine after each full moon. “I was fascinated by how the smell changes depending on what you eat,” she said. “For instance, it smells really good after you eat a lot of honey and it smells terrible after eating chicken.”

1. Piss smells horrible. That and body odor are the only reasons homeless people are so detestable. Take away the smells of homeless and they are just normal subway people. Who voluntarily smells like piss? What a gross bitch.

2. Really "Cherry Tree". That is your name? I guess "Charity" isn't a hippy enough name for a psycho who uses urine to smell better.

3. Did she use any studies to determine the market? Ask people "What do you think of this (sprays Obsession)? Okay, now what about this (sprays Axe)? Okay, and lastly what about this one (sprays her piss)? Oh really, the last one smells like urine? So, you rate that above the Axe but below everything else? Thank you for your time, here is a home kit to make your own; a funnel, a perfume bottle and some honey.

4. I need to know more about how the moon changes the smell of your piss? Like does a crescent moon make is smell sweeter while a new moon makes it more earthy? Blue moons have the same effect as asparagus.

5. Am I the only one shocked that a hippy named "Cherry Tree" and uses piss to smell good isn't a vegetarian? That is a twist M. Night can't write.

Fat Brit Loves Sausage

(Straits Times) – A British man recently sought therapy for his addiction to sausages. David Harding says he must have 13 sausages a day and has spent almost 2,000 pounds (S$4,068) on counselling and hypnosis sessions to help his compulsion. ‘I genuinely cannot bear the thought of living without sausages,’ Mr Harding told The Mirror of his problem. ‘Drug addicts crave their fix and it’s the same for me, except my drug is a sausage.’ The 47-year-old started eating sausage heavily when he was five. But he only realised that he had a serious problem when he got mad at the idea of not having sausages for dinner, and decided to seek professional help. ‘Apparently I just like sausages, plain and simple,’ Mr Harding said, after admitting that therapy hasn’t helped. ‘I don’t see there is anything wrong with that, but I do think that I have to look at ways to control my urge.’

Freud would have a fucking field day on this sausage loving old lesbian look alike. How pissed would Freud be with this guy? Like just yell at him straight to his face "Just suck some dick. You will feel better. You're obviously compensating for not having cock in and around your mouth." And apparently this guy loves sausage so much he ate until his fingers look like 5 sausages on each hand. Seriously, he got to the point to where his hands are so fat you can't tell where the joints are. Its just a straight link of fat and bone from knuckle to nail. But he didn't get past that level. If he was eating 14 instead of 13 a day his hands would probably be those really fat ones where its like rolls down the finger. And why 13 a day? I ate 13 eggs in one sitting back when I was fat and I was good for the whole day. Sausage is filling as shit. Dude's shit is probably just links.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Mom With Shocker License Plate

SUFFOLK“I was tickled to death I had two little girls. My favorite color is pink,” explained Dana Cobb, “so I did a license plate, just like many other people do, to let everybody know I was the proud mom of two beautiful little girls that I love to dress in pink.”More than 12 years later, the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles is recalling Cobb’s license plates which read “2INPINK.” Instead of seeing a mother’s bragging in the number and letters, someone saw a dirty message, part of an expression referring to a sex act. That person filed a complaint with the Commonwealth. After considering the complaint, people in the DMV saw the person’s point. “I had never heard this saying before,” Cobb told 13News. “I guess you can take anything innocent these days and turn it into something sexually graphic or explicit.” The mom of two is appealing the DMV’s decision to recall her plates, feeling, in part the process has been a waste of everyone’s time and money. “I should have to relinquish something that’s innocent and precious to me, because they want to turn it into something that it’s not, and that’s what’s bothering me over this whole thing,” said Cobb. “I’ve seriously thought about putting in for a license plate that says ‘DMV SUX,’ to see if I could get that passed through, or would they deny that because I was being derogatory against the DMV?” 

Who determines what license plates are offensive and how do I get this job? Do they just have someone going over them and circling the ones that could be considered vulgar? And it must be like a 20 something year old checking them. Like, "could this be construed as sexting or swearing? Yea? Okay, don't let them keep it." And that job has to be for like 5 unemployed 20 year olds because no one over like 30 knows what the shocker is. Do they throw in some dirty ones to make sure the checkers can still tell what is dirty? Like, "Hey Dave, you're like 30 now which means its almost time for you to retire. You didn't even catch the DUMKUNT we planted as evaluation.". And what is the cut-off for what is dirty what if something is like ILUVBJS? Maybe someone just appreciates wholesale grocery shopping.

P.s. How awesome would it be if her husband's plates were 1INSTINK. No excuses there (unless he is a proctologist).

Friday, May 27, 2011

Zuckerberg Is Too Rich (And Bored)

SAN FRANCISCO (AFP)Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly taken to eating only meat from animals he has killed in order to appreciate that a creature died so that he could live. The 27-year-old billionaire took on the dietary regimen as the latest in a series of “personal challenges” that he pursues in what little time he spends not working on Facebook, a Fortune magazine story explained on Thursday. “I’m eating a lot healthier foods,” Zuckerberg is quoted as telling Fortune while discussing his switch to slaughtering livestock for his meals. “And I’ve learned a lot about sustainable farming and raising of animals,” he continued. “It’s easy to take the food we eat for granted when we can eat good things every day.” A Silicon Valley chef who lives not far from Zuckerberg in the Northern California city of Palo Alto has introduced him to local farmers and coached him on killing his first chicken, pig, and goat, according to Fortune. His first kill was a lobster, which he executed by boiling. Larger animals that he kills are sent to a butcher, who sends the cut meat back to Zuckerberg and his girlfriend Priscilla to be cooked as they wish, the article indicated. Zuckerberg has shared his dietary endeavor on his Facebook page, where he posted a photo of a chicken he killed and dishes he made using the parts. “This year I’ve basically become a vegetarian since the only meat I’m eating is from animals I’ve killed myself,” Fortune quoted Zuckerberg as saying in an email. “I think many people forget that a living being has to die for you to eat meat, so my goal revolves around not letting myself forget that and being thankful for what I have.” Zuckerberg said he takes on a personal challenge each year, with prior goals including learning Chinese and wearing a tie. “So far, this has been a good experience,” Zuckerberg said of his new diet. “I’m eating a lot healthier foods and I’ve learned a lot about sustainable farming and raising of animals.” He still visits restaurants, but opts for venues with vegetarian offerings, according to Fortune.

Okay, you wanna be Bear Grylls. I get it. He is a man amongst boys but you start with killing shit to eat? How about you start with camping, maybe drink your own piss once or twice, than go out with a spear and hunt for your food like you still live in a cave and wear a loincloth. Who the fuck kills their own meat? Besides farmers and those people in undeveloped countries. I get the sentiment behind it but dude, come on. You have billions and billions of dollars, just let people do the shit no one else wants to do. You gonna go back to shitting in a hole in your back yard? Dude probably has the same morning routine as Eddie Murphy in Coming to America but still chooses to kill his own meat. What a fucked up world you need to create for yourself when you are filthy rich just to keep entertained.

P.s. How do you learn Chinese, one of the most complicated languages ever, as a goal one year; kill all the meat you eat, and still have to dedicate a whole year to "wear a tie"? That's like the people who say "My New Year's Resolution is to read a book." Like one book, except you don't even need to do something ridiculously boring like read, you just have to tie a tie. Shit, he probably has someone who dresses him just because he has Facebook money.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Americans Almost Like Dessert More Than Sex

New York Post- Nearly a quarter of Americans would rather have a great body then be $1 million rich. A survey released today shows that 22 percent of people would pass up on such a staggering amount of money to have their dream body for the rest of their lives. The Nutrisystem Diet Index also found that Americans are attached to their favorite foods. For example, 45 percent admit it would be more difficult to give up their favorite dessert than sex for one month... A survey released today shows that 22 percent of people would pass up on $1 million to have their dream body for the rest of their lives. The survey also found: -- Thirty-six percent of those who are married or in serious relationships would rather "share the number of sexual partners they’ve had than discuss their weight." -- Seventeen percent have gone so far as to lie about their weight on documents such as their driver’s license, ID cards and other forms. -- Fifty percent who are also members of social networking sites like Facebook admit most of the pictures posted to their profiles are shot from the waist-up rather than full-body. -- Sixty-eight percent said they've tried a diet at least once in their lifetimes. The survey also revealed the fixation Americans have with celebrities and their body parts. When women were asked who they consider to be in perfect physical shape, those who were asked agreed it was a combination of First Lady Michelle Obama’s arms (22 percent), Jennifer Lopez’s legs (24 percent) and derriere (20 percent) and Jessica Alba’s abs (11 percent). Men, on the other hand, favored Vin Diesel’s arms (35 percent) and Matthew McConaughey’s chiseled abs (16 percent). "While Americans are obsessed with celebrity weight loss and physical fitness, our research reveals that their focus should be shifted to their own health," said Joe Redling, chairman and CEO of Nutrisystem. The survey found that 51 percent of women who weighed in think that if a male star gained a significant amount of weight – like 50 pounds -- he would "not be hot anymore." Men agreed when it came to female celebrities with 48 percent saying they’d find her unattractive if she packed on the same amount of weight. 

1. What do women look for in a man? If your answer was anything besides "money" you're dead wrong. Women masturbate to piles of money. All you have to do to sext them is send "I have a million dollars in my account." Done. Ask a woman how many times they've rubbed the bean to a picture of abs. I bet my million that they say zero.
2. The 45% of people who would rather give up sex than dessert have to be lonely (or fat) as fuck rite? They have to be the people who only get laid at most 2x a month so they just give up the 2 times to eat their creme brulee 3x a week. I bet everyone who gets it on the regular was part of the 55%. There is no way anyone gives up 20+ orgasms a month to eat some tiramisu 4 nights a week.
3. The 36% who would rather share their sex number than their weight are the dumbest people in this whole article. Mini-list
     a. The actual number doesn't matter. The person you are with is gonna see you naked. If you look smoking hot naked, you could weigh 200 lbs for all I care. You might not be getting on top but that's just because I like to breathe.
     b. If her number is too high she automatically looks like a slut. She could be the most wholesome sweet girl in the world, if that number is more than your guess, she is a slut.
     c. If her number is too low you are set to figure out why that number is so low. You can't just ask her "Why have you only slept with X people?" That is a weird question in itself but since you can't ask it you have to take it upon yourself and your detective skills to figure out what is wrong with her.
4. Why lie about your weight on your driver's license and shit? So the bouncers and cops don't think you are fat?
5. 50 lbs is a lot of weight. Not many people can look good 50 lbs heave. Whoever they are  they would have to be bone thin and smoking hot to look good 50 lbs. Social norm says a girl should be no more than like 150. You know how a girl less than 100 lbs looks? Usually too small to be hot unless they are like less than 5'. Eva Longoria is 5'2" and weighs over 100 lbs. Imagine her 155 lbs? Ben Stiller weighs 155 lbs and is still 5 inches taller than her. Sorry but I don't think she would be hot.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Ray Lewis Says Crime Will Rise Without NFL Season

Yahoo- For all the craziness that is associated with Ray Lewis(notes), the man sure does seem to speak the truth on big issues. The latest one? How the lockout might affect our society as a whole, and what it might do to the nation's crime rate. No, he isn't just talking about the players. Ray thinks if the lockout continues and there is no NFL season, crime will increase because people will be so distraught without one of their favorite pastimes. This all came out from his ESPN interview, and here was exactly what Ray said.

"Do this research if we don't have a season -- watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game. [...]
"There's too many people that live through us, people live through us," he said. "Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I'm not talking about the people you see all the time."
The man has a point. Football fans will have to find other things to do without their favorite game being played if the NFL does decide to go with this lockout, and Lewis is just pointing out facts about this. If any sport or big event was dumped, it would force people to look for other things to do, and I think that's the point Lewis is making here. Just add it to the growing list of reasons why the NFL lockout would be a bad thing.

According to Ray Lewis, crime will rise with no NFL season. I think we better listen. With no work, Ray Lewis will have to take his anger out by killing more people (everyone know he did kill someone rite?), Roethlisberger will rape more underage chicks, Vick will go back to dog fights to keep busy (go knows he won't be able to pick up a copy of Madden without getting sick). Shit, we might need to keep Plaxico away from firearms and night clubs (if he signs with the Giants. If he signs with anyone else give him a glock and send him to the 40/40). And we can blame it all on the owners. Throw them in jail for inciting crime. Even if we need to resort to recreating The Replacements by hiring some scabs to play a shitty season. Just so I have something to watch, shit I might need to resort to arena football. I didn't even know that was a real thing until ESPN was talking about having NFL teams sign them for the same amount that they pay the people who sell $8 hotdogs and $70 jerseys at the stadium. Shit, they mind as well have some cheerleaders work double duty and hold the ball for field goals, if Lucy can do it I don't see why they can't get some pom-pom shaker in there for the extra points.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Imma Keep Blogging After Tomorrow

So, apparently the rapture is tomorrow and it is a big deal. Well not for me isn't. I'm pretty sure the rapture only takes the good Catholics to heaven and leaves everyone else here to "suffer" without them. Well the only thing that will change in my life after this rapture is pretty much nothing. What will change for anyone? No more theology class and no more people protesting gay marriage. I will still be here and most, if not all, of everyone I know will be here too. All the normal people are still gonna be here come the 23rd. It's just a matter of if the crazy Christians will be too.
What if the angels or whoever is in charge of sorting out the people for the rapture, are like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck from Dogma where they will send you to hell for not saying "God bless you" after you sneeze. "Oh nun, you spent your life devoted to God and to helping people less selfish than you? Come on in. Wait a second, it says here you only helped other Catholics and people if they converted. Never mind, you get to stay with the other sinners and wait for Satan to come and torture you."
That's something that has puzzled me lately too. I came across a picture in The Chive which is supposed to be funny but got me thinking. It is of a conversation, this is the conversation.
Preacher: How can I help you today?
Me: I have a question.
Preacher: Maybe I can help.
Me: The devil is evil and the people that go to hell are evil, correct?
Preacher: Correct.
Me: Than if the devil tries to get people to do evil, why does he punish them for doing so?
Way to turn Christianity on its fucking head. That, along with how everyone is handling the whole rapture thing, it really shows the whole attitude to religion as a whole. Everyone that is not a devout Christian is going to suffer at the hands of the ruler of all that is evil and it is happening tomorrow. Now, imagine if that were true. That would be a goddamn terrifying thing. Luckily for us they are fucked in the head and bat-shit crazy otherwise we would be in a ridiculous amount of trouble and there is no easy way out. If you commit suicide you go to hell. If you convert now you are too late and it isn't going to do anything. The only thing you can do now is hope that you have enough karma points to get you through the end of the world as we know it and not be subject to the worst forms of torture that have ever been thought up in the world. So tonight we enjoy our last night of a Satan-less world and hope that those who praise a man that killed his only son (who is also him) and had him rise 3 days later are wrong and hope they are as nuts as everyone who is not them thinks they are.
Hope you get to read this before Satan takes away our internet.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

DiCaprio Vs. Timberlake: Who Has The Better Life?

So, apparently Leo is now moving on from Bar Refaeli and onto Blake Lively. Models and actresses in one week for the Growing Pains star. He wasted no time with transitioning just like Justin Timberlake who, went from one Olivia to another. From Olivia Munn to Olivia Wilde 1/5 of N*SYNC isn't showing any signs of slowing down. Who is #1 and who is #2? Here is a roster of their arm candies just in 2011. Again, just 2011, not even half a year.

Leonardo DiCaprio:
1. Bar Refaeli- 2009 Sport's Illustrated cover model
2. Blake Lively- Gossip Girl, #33 top 100 (Maxim, 2009)

Justin Timberlake:
1. Jessica Biel- Actress (duh), #4 top 100  (FHM, 2009), #7 top 99 (, 2008)
2. Olivia Munn- Actress (Perfect Couples, The Daily Show), #2 top 100 (Maxim, 2011), #8 top 100 (Maxim, 2010)
3. Olivia Wilde- Actress (House), #1 top 100 (Maxim, 2009),

P.s. Is it just me or does 18 year old Bar look like Leo Growing Pains era.
P.s.s. There are two pics of Olivia Munn. She is my favorite of the group and you gotta love a "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" inspired pic

40 Year Old Ties ICBA Prez's World Record

HAVERHILL, Mass.A Groveland police officer has tied the world record for the highest single-string score in candlepin bowling history. Chris Sargent of Haverhill bowled a 245 last Friday at the Metro Bowl Lanes in Peabody.  The 40-year-old Sargent told The Eagle-Tribune he was “in a zone and feeling good” but didn’t realize he was nearing the record until the end of the string because he doesn’t like looking at his score. He said he realized he was getting close when the other team started cheering him on and a crowd gathered around his lane.  The record was set in 1984 by Ralph Semb of Erving.  Semb, now president of the International Candlepin Bowling Association, told The Associated Press on Wednesday the organization has accepted the record and thinks “it’s great.”

1. Who even knew there was an International Candlepin Bowling Association? Do they share an office with the National Skee Ball League? Where is the Major League Shuffleboard headquarters?
2. I have never even heard of candlepin bowling. It just looks like a bunch of vibrators in a triangle and you have to use a ball the size of a softball. Is it just to make it more difficult. It looks like complete luck. You just hit it and hope it knocks the other ones down.
3. "it's great"? Why did he give the most PR answer in the world? What, does the President of the ICBA need to save face? Would people look poorly upon the main governing candlepin bowling association if their president said he was pissed someone beat his 27 year record?