Thursday, March 31, 2011

Only A Librarian From Oregon Would Use This "Strategy" to Pick The Correct Final Four

School librarian who know jack shit about college basketball but still picked the right final four.- Before the final buzzer sounded last Sunday, 99.9 percent of amateur bracketologists across the globe had already torched their brackets. For the first time in the history of the Big Dance no No. 1 or No. 2 seeds had advanced to the Final Four. The rash of unpredictable upsets made many entries appear slashed and bloodied, leaving a bitter taste in mouths of optimistic prognosticators who two weeks earlier were supremely confident they had submitted a winner. However, one, out of nearly three million Yahoo! Tourney Pick 'Em submissions, unbelievably basked in glory. … Unbeknown to many of the approximately 300 students at Jefferson High School outside Salem, Ore. is a humble librarian with unmatched basketball foresight. Not only a master of the Dewey Decimal System and moves on the pitch — she also coaches girls soccer — Diana Inch is the only person in the entire Yahoo! universe to accurately predict all four Final Four teams, an almost impossible task this year. Consider these astonishing facts:
Only 0.1 percent of entries had VCU in the Final Four.
Last season's national runner-up, Butler, was advanced to Houston on just 0.6 percent of submissions.
A mere 4.8 percent of brackets have their champion pick still alive.
No one forecasted all Sweet 16 teams correctly, though one person drilled 15.
Not a single person projected the Elite Eight right. And only 38 had seven of the eight.
An infinitesimal 0.023 percent of entries have both championship participants un-slashed.
Over 80 percent of entries failed to correctly project a single Final Four team.
Of the roughly 300,000 people who entered Yahoo!'s second chance game (Projecting the Sweet 16 on), only seven currently remain unblemished.
Diana is the only person to experience perfection in any round...

The rest of the story is an interview where she talks about her "strategy". This is the most convoluted  rational I have ever tried to understand. She uses about 5 different criteria and methods at the same time. They are (summed up)
1. She picked 7's and 11's because "[She] like[s] the numbers 7 and 11"
2. She also likes the letters X and V (and Q but apparently it didn't make the cut). Who the fuck has favorite letters, let alone X and V?
3. The states play a factor i.e. "The folks I meet from Michigan have usually been fun-loving"
4. If there wasn't a 7 or 11 in said matchup she would pick which was closest.
5. If non of the above helped she would go with "a team that had an AP ranking that might indicate an edge."
6. Of course she is a female and knows nothing of the sport and had to somewhere take into account their mascots and team colors. No big shock here. I would be more surprised if she didn't take into account the perennial favorite criteria of all women. But of course even "Mascot" couldn't be that simple. It was how far away it was from a dog/cat i.e. number of legs closer to 4.

According to this VCU is in her top four because they were an 11 seed, have V in their abbreviation, and their mascot has 4 legs.

Now, I was shocked to see #5. It actually has to do with basketball and skill. How this stumbled into her worst criteria checklist is beyond me.

Granted she had 3 16-seed teams beating #1 seed teams (never happened in NCAA history). Because 2 of them are dogs and (brace yourself here, worst rational for any choice ever made) UTSA def. OHIO STATE because "Roadrunners (UTSA) would eat seeds/buckeyes"

P.S. She would name her dogs "Z" (short for Z39.50 the International Standard of Operation for Libraries) and "LC" (short for Library of Congress).

Lafayette Needs To Step It Up

This has to be the worst lip dub since Ashley Simpson got caught on SNL, rite? So much wrong with this video.

1. Thanks for the intro Asian Snoop Dogg.
2. I thought Lafayette was a college, not a high school. These girls can't be more than 16 years old. And look at all the stuffed animals to come.
3. Way to not know a single word in the entire fucking song.
4. Great editing too. Sweet seamless transitions and no awkward shots of people standing on their mark waiting to do a motion.
5. None of these girls are hot. Like at all. Aren't athletes supposed to be attractive? They are acting like the ugly friend of the hot girl who thinks "Hey, my best friend is hot, that must mean I'm hot by proximity." Then they get an attitude that is only acceptable tolerable when you're hot.
6. Way to try and be sexy when you're in sweats and a sweatshirt.
7. And in the one or two shots where you got the words right, way to match it up with the song.
8.Little did I know Asian Snoop Dogg would be the best part of this video

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Fake Girlfriend To Get Girlfriend?

 Business Insider- "Cloud Girlfriend," a startup that creates the "perfect girlfriend" out of thin air for users. The "perfect girlfriend" then sends you public messages on your Facebook wall, so you can deceive your friends into thinking you have a girlfriend as well as make you feel like you have a companion...

  • Cloud Girlfriend will consist of a network of real human beings, not automated bots, that users will interact with over Facebook.

  • Fuhriman thinks it can help guys get a girlfriend.  If visitors to your Facebook profile to see wall posts from your imaginary sweetheart, they might think, "Someone else thinks highly enough of this person to date him, so maybe I should too."

  • Cloud Girlfriend is not a porn site or adult chat service. (Although it does remind us a hotline where you can talk to someone of the opposite sex if you're lonely.)

  • Fuhriman said the site has a therapeutic value and can fulfill psychological needs like intimacy and friendship even though the interaction is virtual. He also maintains that these interactions can even build self confidence and help users navigate real-life situations                 

    Is is just me or is this ass backwards? You pay a company to do everything a girlfriend would do online. Wouldn't that lower your chances of getting any? Like a girl sees you're in a relationship on fb and is just like "oh, he's taken, guess I can cross him off my list.". Then either 1. you break up with the "girl" on fb and the girl you're after looks like a bitch or 2. you just tell her it was a way to get women. Either way that relationship is not off to a good start. But blaming her for breaking you and "girl" up could work to your advantage. She might feel like she has to be an extra good girlfriend, make up for ruining an already good one (as far as she's concerned). I think we can all agree that telling her it was a fake girlfriend is definitely not the way to go, rite? Like how would that conversation go, not well I'm guessing. That's like the guy who pretended to be gay to sleep with girls, they would see him as not a threat to their vaginas and he would be in. But how do you just tell her "Oh her? She wasn't real anyway. I paid this company to pretend to be my girlfriend so I could get chicks." Way to not stoop really low to get laid bro. And the stuff my girlfriend puts on my facebook is shit I like, not just random dumb ass "I miss you baby." or "I love you honey". I get cool shit like doctor who and bob's burgers shit. (That little compliment is totally gonna get me laid.)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Future Firefighter Sounds Awesome

GeeksAreSexy.Net- Harvard researchers believe firefighters could one day control and even extinguish fires using a gun that fires electricity. The project, funded by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency and the Department of Energy, investigated what’s said to be a 200-year-old observation that electricity can affect a flame’s shape, a point that hasn’t previously been the subject of much research. Ludovico Cademartiri, who led the project and presented a report to the American Chemical Society, says researchers were able to extinguish a foot-high flame using a beam of electricity from a 600 watt amplifier — described as around the same power as a car stereo system. The technique works chemically and takes advantage of the way a fire generates soot, made up of carbon particles. Because these are so easy to charge, the electrical field creates a response that makes the flames unstable and ultimately unsustainable. The system works best on smaller fires, particularly those in tightly confined spaces. But the theory is that the technique wouldn’t necessarily have to be used in large-scale devices to control the full fire. Cademartiri believes as little as 60 watts could be enough to create the same effect, meaning firefighters could use a backpack/handheld wand combination to deliver the electricity. That would be enough to manipulate a fire to create a safe entry and exit route for both firefighters and those being rescued. Accord to Cademartiri, it’s also possible to manipulate rather than extinguish flames using the technique, which might be adapted for use such as greater precision in welding torches or even car engines.

Besides being ridiculous and sounding counter-productive, this is awesome. Did you see that? Backpack/handheld wand combo. They will lose the wands and giant red uniforms and just redo their whole look. Imagine if firefighers looked like this. How awesome would that be? I would become a firefighter. I wonder if they won't be allowed to touch streams.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

White Kid Reads Some Waka Flocka

Can't knock the kid. I did the same shit when I woke up and had 2 more black roommates. I was like "Shit, I better learn what they listen to. Last thing I wanna do is get stuck for listening to Pink Floyd or some shit." Only this kid fucked up, he read it out loud for the whole internet. If I read this out loud I'd get attacked for sayin' their word. I know better. Out of the 11k views this thing got is probably like 5k black people just looking for signs of where he lives so they can hunt him down and beat his cracker ass.

I love this song and had to go back and listen to it as soon as this video ended to see if it really doesn't rhyme one fucking bit.

P.s. Is it just me or was there just a little too much "r" sound on that one at 1:34. That's the one that's gonna put the black people over the edge.

Friday, March 25, 2011

No Food In Subway... Almost

NY Daily News- MTA Chairman Jay Walder rejected the idea of banning food in the subway as a way to curb litter that attracts rats and provides fodder for train-delaying track fires. "I think we all have responsibility to try to treat our subway system and fellow riders with respect. I think that extends to food as well," Walder said after the Metropolitan Transportation Authority's monthly board meeting Wednesday. But he added, "This is a system that carries 5 million people a day, and I'm not sure a ban on food is really practical or enforceable." When subway trash came up at a MTA board meeting earlier this week,  member Doreen Frasca called a ban a "swell idea" while another board member, Charles Moerdler, criticized litterbugs for trashing the system. "They're the cause of rats. They're the cause of the fires. We have to do something to make it clear that the public has to wake up," Moerdler said. The discussion came after someone posted a video on YouTube showing a woman toss her takeout meal at another woman after the two traded insults. Allen Cappelli, another board member, believes riders should be allowed to dine and ride without fear of getting a ticket. I am against punishing everyone for the transgressions of so," Cappelli said. "Those who litter or commit other offenses should be punished. Those who are law abiding should be left alone." Police issued less than 2,000 tickets for littering in the subway last year.
How are they gonna enforce this? Do you see all the fights going on? That is about 100x more important to be taken care of than me sitting there enjoying some half and half (lamb and chicken) over rice with white sauce

Smell: Yea some food stinks but so do homeless people. Gonna keep them out of the subways too? What about people who just have bad cologne?

Litter:And trying to blame to food people for the trash? Come on people, we all know it it just from having 5 million people there a day. Send 5 million people anywhere and trash will accumulate. Just look at what the litter is made up of down there. Yea there's some food containers and wrappers but just a quick look will show there are about 10 million (no exaggeration) metro cards on the tracks and on the floor. How about making them like credit cards instead of those flimsy shitty pieces of paper that don't read half the time if you've had them for more than a month. That's how you get rid of the trash.

And the rats? How can the rats be blamed on the food? The homeless people snatch up any scraps that people leave. Rats are there because the subway is just like a bigger sewer system, rats follow shit and people. They're there because it's wet and dark. How about fixing the leaks and the puddles on the tracks and the leaky ceilings and watch the rats go away so I can still enjoy my halal without having to worry about getting a ticket and a criminal record.

P.s. The bitch who threw her food in that video obviously need to find a new halal stand. I would never waste any of my half and half over rice on someone giving me an attitude about eating. "Yea I'm eating on the subway, cause I got shit to do. I can't just sit at home and designate a half an hour to eating at a table waiting for my side of government cheese. I got a job and shit. Sorry for having obligations and responsibilities."

I Lost The Little Respect I Had Left For Soccer Players

This is why America doesn't take soccer seriously. I want my sports with hitting and violence and intimidation. God help the football (real football) team that tries to do any part of this after a touchdown. Why are they performing Shipoopie before a game?
This woulda been a good entrance back when that 1996 intro music was relevant and cool.
This isn't minor league shit either, this is AC Milan, one of the best teams in Europe.

Would You Watch Glee If She Were On It?

Hi guys Glee is my FAVORITE SHOW of all time (b/c I love the songs) and this is my audition video for their opened call for new singers/performers!! I'm singing one of my FAVORITE CLASSIC ROCK songs "We Built This City On rock and Roll" by Jefferson Spaceship. Please watch and VOTE FOR ME!!!! Thank you!!!!!!

1. I started the video thinking "O.k. I guess she's waiting til the verse to get to the singing... Nope, guess she's waiting for a second person to come in like doing a duet with the original...Nope, what the fuck?"
2. At first I was like 'I guess she's doing some lipstick warpaint? Maybe its a rocker thing like Joan Jett. Its an '80s song, that was cool in the '80s rite?... Nope she's still going...Glad she didn't miss the inside of her ear. Way to use it like a q-tip... And there goes the teeth."
3. Did Lady Gaga inspire the red face?
4. Shoulda picked Freebird, maybe you coulda finished. You left some spots blank.
5. At least she has manners thanking us for considering her "audition" at the end.
6. I never thought lipstick would get more creepy than "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me.". I was wrong.

P.s. The tags include glee, singing, jefferson spaceship (its starship btw, maybe something you should know about one of your "FAVORITE CLASSIC ROCK songs", megan amram (cause people look for that tag all the time), cool, literature(?), and god is dead???

What does "literature" have to do with smearing lipstick on your face while "singing" to an 80's glam rock song? "God is Dead"? That is your first sign that something is wrong.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

"That Ho Is Tight"

There are so many points about this video that I can't really get into them as much as I would like, this is a blog, not a dissertation on Fat Ho Burgers.
1. Right off the bat; that anchor looks like he's had a couple of meals at FHB already. What happened to anchors trying to look decent, Ron Burgundy, Don (HIMYM). He looks like someone they should interview who would be in favor of keeping the place open.
2. How have I never heard the term "That Ho Is Tight" or any incarnation about the looseness of a symbolic ho.
3. As soon as they show that first shot of the burger, right off the bat that looks like the worst food ever. I would never eat at FHB just based on how that horrible shit looks, not to mention the burnt pieces of flattened dog shit in that container.
4. I like how they make everyone seem up in arms about the name but the best things they got during their interviews was "It's strange" and "That's somethin' I ain't never heard before". They don't sound like complaints, they sound like confused people sitting on their porches.
5. Hey Shelley, you sell out bitch. Way to ditch Waco and move to Cali and try to act like you still care about a little burger joint you will see when you visit family 2x a year.
6. Why does this facebook group matter? "Holy shit, 100 members. We better watch for riots next from the masses.". An awkward substitute teacher from my high school has 17x more people in his group than this pussy little clique (its not big enough to be a group yet).

Just let the fat ho sell her burgers and leave her the fuck alone


Petite Giraffe- Holy shit the baby giraffe from tv commercial is real! I saw it on the internet, that means it must be real. I need one of these for my birthday (1 month, 1 day). I will train him to give me a kiss like the commercial too. And every fucking time he does it, I will get really fucking excited like that guy from the commercial. My school doesn't allow pets in dorms but fuck them if they won't let a mini giraffe live in my townhouse. I already pay so much in tuition and housing costs they should give me one when I move in freshman year. This just made my week. I thought it was cgi when I saw the commercial because I automatically assumed "something that ridiculously awesome can't be real. I would of known about it. No one could keep this a secret." But somehow, word didn't get around and they were hogging all the tiny giraffes for themselves. Fucking selfish pricks.

Mike Tyson
I just joined law enforcement
 First Steven Segal becomes a cop and now Mike Tyson. Do I smell a CHiPs remake? Get on that CBS.

Bath Salts are the New Cocaine – A couple hallucinating from bath salts nearly cut their 5-year-old daughter with the knives they were using to stab “the 90 people living in the walls” of their apartment, police said. Robert Hospodar, 29, and Amber Sutton, 26, of Luzerne Avenue, were charged with disorderly conduct and endangering the welfare of children. Sutton also was charged with criminal mischief.  West Pittston Patrolman Leonard Lombardo said he responded to the couple’s apartment at 3:19 a.m. Saturday “for a report of 90 people living in the walls.” He met Hospodar and Sutton and their daughter and said the adults were holding knives and other knives were on the floor. Hospodar and Sutton “exhibited extremely paranoid behavior,” said Lombardo in the affidavit of probable cause to support the charges filed against them. Each said the other was on bath salts, according to the affidavit. “They were pulling drywall off the walls and sticking their heads in the walls describing the people in which they claimed they saw. They were plunging knives in to the holes in the walls attempting to stab the people,” according to the affidavit.

I thought my mom was being an over protective mom. "Don't snort bath salts." She said this when I was at home for spring break. I had no idea my mom was on the cutting edge of what the new drugs are. She warned me about "Whipping It" i.e. breathing in the air from whip cream bottles. I was in high school, figured she saw it on the news. But warning a college kid about a new drug craze before they know about it is like warning Chad Ochocinco about the NFL strike while he's already at tryouts for the MLS. I should of been like "No shit ma, the lavender ones give you a mellow body high while the vanilla gives you more of a head high that makes you think a lot." But no, she knows this shit before me and I thought she was just fucking nuts. Mom-1 Son-0.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Deleted Scene From This Is It

Skip to 0:30. You're not missing anything if you stop at like 2:00.

This is just funny as hell. I literally laughed out loud when he went to grumbly Michael. His impression is good for a little then just looses it and my interest quick. He need to get some tips from that Spanish taxi driver who obviously couldn't speak a lick of English but knows the American songs. Like listening to people try and figure out what this guy is saying. If the guy who could do an awesome impersonation got English lessons he could just wear a mask and do this for a living.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Maxim 2011 Sex Survey

So, according to the annual Maxim survey (this year consisting of 8000 women), the average woman wants:
a Ryan Reynolds type, to meet someone through mutual friend, who introduces himself, with good hygiene, who playfully teases them, who pays on the first date which should be dinner and a movie.
That is the actual guy, they want him to "incorporate fingers into oral", makes love like a "gentle breeze", in doggystyle. But he can be lousy as long as he is amazing in every other way. But don't be skimpy on the foreplay, and last for half an hour (foreplay included), and if you dirty talk, "the c-word" is ok, but bitch and whore are off limits.
So, to sum up; Women are shallow. They want someone clean and rich, who uses their fingers when going down but makes love like a "gentle breeze", doesn't mind a lot of foreplay during their half hour of sex. "Call me cunt, but say I'm a bitch and I'm leaving".

Bloody Fuckin' Loko. You Better Recognize That Name.

You don't mess with people reading on the subway. You keep your eyes on your book, people don't mess with you. That's why I keep a GQ. I don't have to read a whole lot, just look at some overpriced shit I want but can't afford. Better than starting shit with Bloody Loko cause you stared at him too long. Eyes on the page, and away from the crazy ass people on the subway. They act like eye contact is an invitation to start either 1. trying to be your best friend, 2. listen to how their life is shit and ask you for money, 3. start a fight because you were looking at an advertisement above their head.

P.s. Worst reading I have seen since that fat kid who was excited for high school tried to read "My Sister Fanny"

Dude goes ape shit over price hike at Taco Bell

Mail Online- Faced with a price hike, most people would settle for a strongly-worded letter of complaint. But one Taco Bell customer was so enraged after his favourite Beefy Crunch Burrito went up by 50 cents that he allegedly tried to shoot the restaurant's manager. Ricardo Jones, 37, ended up in a four-hour shoot-out with a SWAT team after he allegedly pulled out an airgun, a semi-automatic assault rifle and a pistol at the restaurant in San Antonio, Texas. No-one was hurt in the incident on Sunday afternoon. Police initially said Jones could  face three charges of attempted capital murder, but he has instead been charged with aggravated assault on a police officer, the San Antonio Express-News reports. A straightforward order turned into a terrifying attack when Jones pulled up at a Taco Bell drive-thru in San Antonio at around 2pm. He ordered seven Beefy Crunch Burritos, but when a female worker told him the price had gone up from 99 cents to $1.49 because a promotion had ended, he flew into a rage, police told the Express-News.

Hey Douche,
We're in a recession here. No one like that now that instead of the $1 for a tube of Pringles (really spell check, you try to correct Pringles with "Surcingles") its $1.50. It's not a black tax or something. Everyone's gotta pay the extra 50c for the faux-beef shit they stuff in their burritos.

And I haven't bought bullets in... well never, but isn't the cost of bullets like at least 50c a clip?
There is so much weird with this article. Why would anyone buy 7 Beefy Crunch Burritos?
And this fucking weirdo after getting locked out of Taco Bell goes to plan b and takes a trip to Burger King. They better give him the BK Stackers for 99c. And god help the guy at Burger King who tries to charge him 17c for some zesty sauce.

How Fat is this Kid?

The Sun- Lu Hao, from China, is dangerously overweight, and at 9st 6lb is FIVE TIMES as heavy as other boys his age.He is getting so big his family are frightened of him — and have given up trying to stop the youngster from gorging on huge plates of ribs and rice.His parents claim he throws vicious tantrums if he doesn't get third or fourth helpings of dinner. And mum Chen Huan from Dashan, Guangdong Province, admits: "We have to let him be as if we don't feed him he will cry nonstop."She said she has tried to cut down his meals in the past, but despite her best efforts he still managed to put on whopping 1.5st in the last year alone.He has already been banned from nursery over fears his size might be a danger to other children, and usually plays alone at home.But moving around is becoming tougher and tougher for the toddler, whose weight means he gets out of breath easily.Ironically when Lu Hao was born he was underweight, at 5.7lbs, but he started piling on the pounds at three months old, and hasn't stopped since.Dad, Lu Yuncheng, who struggles to pick him up, said: "His appetite is so good that for a meal he can eat three big bowls of rice, even larger than I and his mother."

 This 3 year old is 9 stone (that's British for 126 lbs.). Again, he's 3 years old. My cousin is 4 and weighs like 40 lbs.I don't see what the big deal is. This kid is just bound to be a sumo wrestler. Just wait til high school, he'll be like the Chinese Kobe (Bryant, not like the beef). The parents just need to keep feeding him "3 big bowls of rice" per meal and let that fucker get bigger. They can have him in the professional circuit by the time he changes out of baby diapers into the ones the sumos wear.

And we've all seen people who are so fat they look like they are always smiling but this guy must be blind, literally. His cheeks hit his eyebrows. If he keeps eating the dude will have multiple cheeks. He'll be the only guy telling his gym teacher to "cut him" like Rocky told Mick, just so this big boned circle can see the dodge ball coming at his ass. Rule one of dodgeball (why does spell check say dodgeball is 2 words), go for the kid that is fat, slow, and can't see the ball coming.

P.s. Am I the only one who is dying for the youtube video of this kid running?

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Class Act, It's Zach.

Serious question, did his mom write this or is he gay? I feel like either is likely. Who calls you a "class act" other than your mom? How in the hell did a 13 year old know what "tre chic" means? His mom must of wrote this, that term died before he was born. On the other hand, he chose Hairspray over rock. And he used the term "Fab-u-losity"? I'm torn. That whole 1:05 scene kinda leans me towards the gay side. Only pissed off big black women on the subway have as much attitude as this kid. But his mom must be the only one who thinks liking hotdogs over casserole is weird, rite? I'm so split on this video.

P.s. Benjamin P killed it. "Impeccable pedigree". Lil' Wayne needs to sign this pre-pubescent Matisyahu to Young Money asap.

P.p.s How much you wanna bet this kid got a green screen as a present for his Bat Mitzvah?

P.p.p.s. That arm flopping at 3:50 is gonna be the next Douggie.

- found on barstool boston

No Wonder Jalen Rose Is An Analyst

NY Times- “The Fab Five,” an ESPN film about the Michigan basketball careers of Jalen Rose, Juwan Howard, Chris Webber, Jimmy King and Ray Jackson from 1991 to 1993, was broadcast for the first time Sunday night. In the show, Rose, the show’s executive producer, stated that Duke recruited only black players he considered to be “Uncle Toms.” Grant Hill, a player on the Duke team that beat Michigan in the 1992 Final Four, reflected on Rose’s comments.

Is it just me and Jalen, or does the Duke basketball make you think of white players. Let's take a look at the Duke team. Ladie's Man? SpecialGangsterZachery Taylor Thomas, (the oldest son in Home Improvement)? This is what I think of? Just like BYU (a.k.a. Jimmer and Co.), and North Carolina.
And can we just look at who is offended? Grant Hill. Sweet Cosby sweater.

Excerpt from Hill's Letter:

"I caution my fabulous five friends to avoid stereotyping me and others they do not know in much the same way so many people stereotyped them back then for their appearance and swagger."

You know who stereotyped the fab five for "their appearance and swagger"? The kids who went to Duke. Just looking down on them cause they had to go to Michigan instead of North Carolina.

Plus Jalen apologized on Twitter, the most sincere form of any apology. An apology on Twitter is like a relationship status on Facebook, fuckin' legit.

This Baby Is Funny

This is the funniest shit I have seen in days. I don't care if posting a baby pic makes me gay, this is better than any video on worldstar. My roommate's girlfriend looked at me like the baby did when I burst out laughing randomly watching this thing. This video has over a million views in 2 days. This shit is gonna blow up. I'm calling it right now, this will be the new "Charlie Bit My Finger". Just wait.

P.S. How in the hell did "Charlie" get 300 million hits in 3 years? I have done literally nothing 300 million times in my life, let alone 3 years.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The Naked Mile Is Real? For decades, bright leaders of tomorrow at Tufts University have found respite from their high-minded pursuits in the noblest of college traditions: streaking around the quad in a madcap dash through a cold December night.But to the chagrin of nudist revelers everywhere, college administrators have called a stop to the alcohol-fueled antics, saying the annual student celebration has gone too far.In a sharply worded column published in yesterday’s Tufts Daily, university president Lawrence Bacow said the Naked Quad Run has become an increasingly unruly and dangerous event that puts students’ lives at risk.“Given that we can no longer manage the run, we cannot allow this ‘tradition’ to continue,’’ Bacow wrote in the student newspaper. “Even if I did not act now, NQR would end some day. The only question is whether a student has to die first. We cannot allow this to happen."But students expressed disappointment at the loss of a cherished tradition they said created many classic college moments, a burst of semester’s end bonding before the final exam crunch.“There are not that many shared experiences for students,’’ said senior Ben Gittleson, who reported Bacow’s decision for the student newspaper. “This is one of them, and a quirky one at that.’’Gittleson and other students said most participants, though certainly not all, are sober, and annoyed that inebriated students had ruined the fun.But Bacow said “alcohol fuels’’ the run, and many students need to drink “to fortify themselves to shed their inhibitions and run in subfreezing conditions." This December, the college said, was a particular nightmare. A dozen students were hospitalized after the event, two with blood alcohol levels over 0.3 percent, more than three times the legal limit for adult drivers (most undergraduates are below the legal drinking age). Drunk students who went to a local hospital to check on a friend disrupted the emergency room, Bacow said, and another student was arrested in a confrontation with police.Over the years, the combination of heavy drinking and running has led to broken bones and a host of other injuries.“Clearly this past December we once again only narrowly avoided a tragedy,’’ Bacow wrote.

TIME THE FUCK OUT! You mean to tell me the naked mile is a real thing? I though it was college propaganda created by Hollywood to get people to go to college, like being able to have a food fight in the cafe like Animal House, or to have a dorm like Van Wilder's (without having to be the star of a championship winning team). I need to find a school that hasn't disowned this sacred tradition and transfer the fuck outta here. I have yet to see anyone even attempt to put together a naked mile. All we get are 3 booth carnivals and raided house parties. Where are the hot chicks running laps around our campus? Where are the... did they say December? Fuck that noise. Last thing I need is lookin like I got the dick of a preschooler cause its 20 degrees out and I just drank enough to make Robert Downey, J.r. look like a two beer queer. Maybe schedule it for April when I can enter a 3-legged race alone  and then we'll talk. Until then, I'll just stand in my snorkel making fun of all the guys whose dicks are tucked away like a scared turtle because if they took a pee break they would have yellow icicles hangin from their pubes.

Fat Bro "Eats" a Locus

This video was hyped so much. Aww shit, this dudes about to make one of the deadly plagues his buffet. Watch college age Thurman Murman house this locus.

It starts off promising enough, no fear holding the bug, he's not grossed out. He's downing a beer on the back of some moving vehicle, judging from his accent, either a pick-up or a quad, which shows he is prone to making horrible decisions. All is looking good. He even throws the whole thing in his mouth at once, don't wanna bite it and waste the juices.

That's where this video turns to shit. He gags, which is great, he might lose his shit at any moment, just projectile that beer he just chugged. But the pussy goes and spits a couple of times and just gives up and spits it out on the road behind them. What a misleading title. It should of been "Pussy tries to eat bug and fails horrible and looks like a little bitch". Don't they eat roadkill and possum for dinner like 4 nights a week. He needs to man the fuck up next time and take a page out of my boy Bear Grylls' survival guide and get that fucking PROTEIN.

My Gambling Future

Article- Casinos: Places where large sums of cash are won and lost all based on the risk you’re willing to take. The American Dream in all it’s glory. And while there are a lot of different places you can legally gamble in this country, you will tend to see some of the same types of people in almost every casino you enter. From the Bellagio in Las Vegas to Harrah’s in New Orleans to the Tropicana in A.C., these are a few of the people you’ll probably encounter either at the tables or on your third trip to the ATM.
#9- The old lady playing slots
#8- The guy who just lost a bundle
#7- The guy who has no idea what he’s doing
#6- The cocktail waitress who has seen it all before
#5- The Whale
#4- The Cooler
#3- The Huge Bouncer
#2- The guy who doesn’t care about losing money
#1- The drunk guy that seems to be lost

I plan on being every one of the gamblers on this list when i turn 21 (40 days). I live less than an hour away from Atlantic City and love to gamble and play cards. I will probably start by abusing the free drinks and end up being categorized as #1. Losing money sucks, but being drunk you make the rational "I've had 6 captain and cokes and lost $500 so I basically lost only $400. That's not to bad for 3 hours."

Then it is on to being #7. Once I get tired of losing all my money at drunk blackjack it is on the difficult to understand games, i.e. craps, baccarat, that game Barney plays with the jelly bean in Atlantic City.

After I become #8 from "learning" all the complicated games and losing everything I own, I will get a job as (the male equivalent of) #6. Working for tips that I can just go lose after my shift. But, since I am pretty much  broke I can only play the slots, turning me into #9.

As I slowly build up my fortune on the nickel slots I become #5. Betting millions on black (and green when I'm feeling lucky). After a while I become so rich I become #2, not giving a shit about losing it all. I've been poor before, fuck it if it happens again, which it probably will because I have shitty luck.

OHHHH Ching Chong Ting Tong Wing Wong OHHHHH

Ok, I've been to the library for like two reasons. To work on projects with people I didn't want to see my filthy fucking dorm, and because I had to write a term paper for a history class where the teacher made us use books and we couldn't use the internet. What bullshit is that second one tho. Of course I have to go to the library for that, I don't have 6 text books lying around about fucking Napoleon. I had a stack of books about his boring ass life taller than he was. I never need to know Napoleon was born in Corsica. Plus, if I ever did, there is this new thing made called google, or what I always use for every paper I've had to write since high school, Wikipedia. But I couldn't even get a seat cause Asians took it over. Whatever, they study and shit. Maybe they are a little loud, big deal, put on headphones like a normal person and drown them out.

The big story here is, why the fuck is UCLA having their finals now?. I am having midterms and have 2 months left. How in the hell do they have like, half a semester and how to I sign up for that? I had mid terms and spring break, this bitch is gettin ready to look for a summer job. Maybe with half semesters I'll be able to graduate on time without spending my summers in class too.

I Need This

Modernist Cuisine: The Art and Science of Cooking
6 Volumes
2,346 Pages
5.7 Lbs.
$625 ($461 on Amazon)

Every one who knows me knows I love to cook, and they probably know of my extreme hatred for things on pages, nothing good comes on pages; work, lawsuits, bills, books. There is only one exception; cookbooks (and porn but thanks to the internet it is down to just cookbooks). I love my spicy honey glazed pork chops and buffalo chicken and honey garlic fries more than most restaurants but I need some variety in my life. I want to be able to do something different with my Costco pack of pork chops and chicken. What can I do with 3 dozen eggs and 4 lbs. of turkey bacon other than omelets and breakfast burritos. I need something different. I need molecular gastronomy. Granted this will be the biggest book I own (by about 2,000 pages) but this is like a chemistry book, a cook book, an art book (who really reads art books besides the rich old couple from Six Degrees of Seperation) and like new food forever.
Reader Challenge: If someone/a group of people buys me this book, I will do a "Julie & Julia" thing with this book. I will start another blog of every day doing something from that book. Granted it will probably be a mess and not look anything like this, but I already take pictures of most of my food.

Monday, March 14, 2011

March Madness

Time to fill out your bracket. With the lockout in place, baseball still being the most slow and boring sport ever, and with the NBA not having any good teams in the NJ/NY area, college basketball is the only thing I might have to look forward to sports wise this year. St. John's is a #6 seed facing Gonzaga. People are picking them to go to the Sweet Sixteen. Dumb ass David Wright is picking them to win it all. If he is correct, I'll go out and buy one of his stupid fucking jerseys. Either David Wright is just fucking delusional or a basketball genius. I wish he is a basketball genius, it would be awesome but my guess is delusional as a man stranded in the desert after a week and seeing a pond with a palm tree and a dime piece holding a margarita. I may be wrong, but I doubt it.

Pi Day (3-14). Get It

Today is another nerdy pun day. Just like May 4th. I don't really know much about pi. I just felt like I had to post something about this since I have yet to expose anything nerdy (besides the laser gun).

This Thursday

I will be in the same mental state on Thursday as this guy.

Thursday is the perfect storm. St.John’s is playing their first game in the NCAA Tournament since 2002. I have one class. And it is St.Patty’s Day. That is 3 of the best reasons for anyone to drink. I plan on getting fucked up after(during) our game, either in celebration or in disappointment. I also plan on getting fucked up for St.Patty’s day. How can you not start drinking as soon as you wake up if you are granted green beer? Which means I will start the day with green beer, go to class, drink more green beer, switch to red beer during tip-off. I will piss half of the rainbow. This will be such a shit show, and I will get so drunk I won’t remember if we win or lose.

Red Storm 2012 Slap Champions

So, is this the new thing, Slap contests? Cause if it is, I want in on the ground floor. This looks like the most entertaining thing I have seen in a long ass time. I would pay upwards of $20 for a ticket to this. St.John’s, make this a sponsored event in the Marillac Auditorium. I’m predicting that by this time next year, we will have to hold these at Carnesseca. Just think of how this progression would go:

March-April: it starts in dorm rooms, each floor in the dorms has their own league, the best are selected to the All-Dorm teams.

April: the dorm rooms start going at it. Holding tournaments Donovan vs. Hollis, Century vs. O’Connor. We hold them in townhouses so as to be as objective and professional as Olympic judges.

Finals Week: By this time we will have enough data on each slapper that we create a seeding like NCAA. We hold a tournament in the Marillac Auditorium, complete with a bracket and trophy.

Over the summer: word gets around, videos leak to other colleges. Eventually another college thinks they have what it takes, some school like Rutgers recruits a team and by the time the school year starts back up we have a Big East rivalry brewing.

Beginning of fall semester: We create a Big East Division of underground Slap Competitions. Home and away games, jerseys, buses packed with fans going to the away games.

By the time I graduate, this could be a legit sport with school funding (need something to spend that Title IX on), St.John’s Slap Team playing some home games in the Garden. I vote myself the 1st commissioner of the Slap Competition Division of the NCAA.

Naked Cowboy vs. Naked Cowgirl

NY Post- Times Square is apparently big enough for two naked cowpokes.Underpants-wearing guitarist Robert Burck -- aka The Naked Cowboy -- has agreed to drop his suit against the female rival he accused of stealing his shtick.An out-of-court deal says saggy ex-stripper Sandra Brodsky can keep calling herself Naked Cowgirl so long as she adds her stage name "Sandy Kane" immediately before or after the valuable moniker.In return, the bikini-wearing busker promised to drop an application to the U.S. Trademark Trials and Appeals Board to cancel the cowboy's official trademark.Burck's Manhattan federal court suit had accused his foul-mouthed counterpart of damaging his brand with a raunchy act that included making "obscene gestures" while being photographed by tourists at the Crossroads of the World."We don't approve of the way she's doing business, and we want it known that we're in no way affiliated with her," said the cowboy's spokesman, Todd Rubenstein.He called the legal battle "a situation that could go on forever and ever and ever," adding: "We're not interested in that."Brodsky said the settlement showed that "I'm a winner, the cowboy's a loser. And people like winners, don't they?"She's also commemorating the court case with a new song that calls Burck "a boy named Sue" and warns: "Be careful what you say or do, or he'll sue you too.""I don't care how cute he is, I don't trust the motherf----r," she said. "I promoted his show, then he sued me."

Guest star from my Silent Library Episode, the Naked Cowboy dropped his suit against that copy cat whore the Naked Cowgirl. She obviously stole his idea and was trying to steal his money and fame. What is wrong with this world? I can’t just say “I wanna make a movie. It’s called ‘Inceptioning’. It is like the movie Inception except it all takes place inside another dream. The person watching the movie is in a dream and Leonardo DiCaprio and Christopher Nolan are trying to learn something from the viewer. The only difference between the two movies is that the info at the end is something you know.”
See, if I do that I would get the shit sued out of me, and I would lose horribly. Why didn’t the Naked Cowgirl lose. It is the same thing.
P.s. I wonder how “obscene” these gestures are. I wonder if they are more obscene than putting your nut sack on a college student’s shoulder.


I kind of knew this day was coming. They hadn’t had a new post since December so I figured they were slacking and have just taken a break. Then I choose it from my bookmarks hoping they got back on their game and finally put up a new post. Unfortunately, the site that gave us such greats as the “Turbaconduckenriblets”, deep fried Reeses cups wrapped in bacon, “The 50 lb. Burger”. Pretty much if it had bacon, lard and some other kind of thing that will kill you it is on there. This makes Paula Deen look like a health nut.
Now, instead of that awesome site, we have It is a giant step down from awesome heart attack inducing pictures. It is still young but I will never go there again, if anything in spite of the removal of one of my favorite blogs ever.

Han Shot First

I thought this was gonna be a piece of shit where you put in a laser pointer and it magnifies it and acts like a gun holder for the Wii remote. But now that i know it can pop a balloon it will be a perfect toy for my 4 year old cousin’s next birthday. Just poppin’ balloons and makin' kids cry. I definitely need this before my next school planned event. The amount of red and white balloons makes it look like we won March Madness in MSG. Keep in mind this is for a showing of “Harry Potter” in a theater that seats less people than our average classroom. Half of my tuition goes towards balloons and streamers for school events (and towards staircases and fountains I see once a week).

Predator Takes a Fall

When there is less than 30 seconds left, who would you want to have the ball rather than Kemba Walker? Like Dwight Hardy is nice but come on, that was ridiculous. For the other 39:30 I would always have the ball in Jimmer’s hands but for the last shot, Walker every fucking time.

Whats the worse fall, the one McGhee took or this one (skip to :30 seconds for the best one). On one hand you have, the one in the video. Very cartoonish, always a plus, he took his girlfriend (or one night stand) down with him (bonus points like a double kill?). Plus, did you see that crowd of people rush them like it was a 74-76 last second shot in the Big East tournament. But, there was (most likely) alcohol involved, and ice. Plus it was dark out. McGhee just had the shit bopped out of him, no booze, no ice. Shit, they probably used those giant mops made out of old laser discs right before the throw in to make sure there wasn’t even sweat on the ground. And here they also rushed the court like it was a 74-76 last second shot in the Big East tournament because thats exactly what the fuck it was. Plus, McGhee did a mini grapevine before going down like hes in fucking show choir. Winner (more aptly “Loser”): McGhee. Dude just ate shit in front of a packed MSG and on ESPN.

Who Knew Girls Could Throw Down

This has to be the #2 and #3 female fighters in the world, rite? First is obviously Gina Carano. She could beat the shit out of both of those girls, the trannys that went ape shit at Taco Bell the other day, and the crazy bitches that had that giant brawl at the gas station at the same time. I mean come on, you don’t fuck with an American Gladiator. But these girls threw more punches than any other video out there. Normally it is just hair pulling and calling each other “bitch”. Plus, the purple jeans chick smashed the other girl’s head into the ground dumb hard.

One thing this video proves, men know how to act during a fight. You didn’t hear anyone screaming “Stop. What are you doing? Wahh, wahh, wahh”. You know, the high pitched shrill that girlfriends and onlookers scream that causes me to end up muting almost every fight video within 30 seconds. Here, it is civility as these two wildebeests have it out with their bright pants and muffin tops. Well done crowd, you are the unsung heroes of this video (except for that one bitch who sticks her big head in the shot, fuck her).

From the Mean Streets of Bikini Bottom

Kershaw County, SC (WLTX) - The parents of a Kershaw County kindergartner contacted News19 after they say he was told not to return to school, because of his haircut.He had the image of a popular cartoon character, SpongeBob SquarePants, shaved into his head - an image that police say is also a gang symbol.It was a big shock to mom Francesca Brown, and although the school district now says her son will not have to get rid of the haircut, it’s one she’s still upset about.Six-year-old Andrew Samuel is a big fan of the Nickelodeon cartoon.  But when he got the main character shaved into the side of his head, his school wasn’t such a big fan.  “His grandmother called me and she was like, ‘The school called and said Andrew is gonna be put out of school because he has a gang-related sign on the left side of his head.’ And I was like, ‘That’s SpongeBob!” explains Francesca.According to several law enforcement agencies, the character is used as a gang symbol. 

So, what kind of gang uses Spongebob as a symbol? Like I get kicking a kid out of school for rocking the blue flag, left pocket but what gang uses Spongebob? Can’t be the bloods or crips. They have numbers, colors, sign language but they don’t use cartoons; and even if they did, Spongebob isn’t red or blue. He must be part of Project Mayhem from Fight Club.  Dude is off his fucking rocker and wears a suit and tie. Plus he has been know to bust out some ill fighting moves when he threw down with Sandy.

Only A Geek

I do this every time I play videogames (is video games one word or two, i feel like either way is fine but if I’m going to get paid to write these one day I mind as well fix the little things). Ask any of my roommates, they are shocked that I can watch The Office and kill some Nazi Zombies on Modern Warfare 2 at the same time. I am just that fucking awesome that I can defy science and still kick ass and laugh at “That’s what she said” jokes at the same time. But this cartoon proves that I am not a less awesome superman, only a geek. Fuck, why did I share this with any of you (zero people).