Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Mom With Shocker License Plate

SUFFOLK“I was tickled to death I had two little girls. My favorite color is pink,” explained Dana Cobb, “so I did a license plate, just like many other people do, to let everybody know I was the proud mom of two beautiful little girls that I love to dress in pink.”More than 12 years later, the Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles is recalling Cobb’s license plates which read “2INPINK.” Instead of seeing a mother’s bragging in the number and letters, someone saw a dirty message, part of an expression referring to a sex act. That person filed a complaint with the Commonwealth. After considering the complaint, people in the DMV saw the person’s point. “I had never heard this saying before,” Cobb told 13News. “I guess you can take anything innocent these days and turn it into something sexually graphic or explicit.” The mom of two is appealing the DMV’s decision to recall her plates, feeling, in part the process has been a waste of everyone’s time and money. “I should have to relinquish something that’s innocent and precious to me, because they want to turn it into something that it’s not, and that’s what’s bothering me over this whole thing,” said Cobb. “I’ve seriously thought about putting in for a license plate that says ‘DMV SUX,’ to see if I could get that passed through, or would they deny that because I was being derogatory against the DMV?” 

Who determines what license plates are offensive and how do I get this job? Do they just have someone going over them and circling the ones that could be considered vulgar? And it must be like a 20 something year old checking them. Like, "could this be construed as sexting or swearing? Yea? Okay, don't let them keep it." And that job has to be for like 5 unemployed 20 year olds because no one over like 30 knows what the shocker is. Do they throw in some dirty ones to make sure the checkers can still tell what is dirty? Like, "Hey Dave, you're like 30 now which means its almost time for you to retire. You didn't even catch the DUMKUNT we planted as evaluation.". And what is the cut-off for what is dirty what if something is like ILUVBJS? Maybe someone just appreciates wholesale grocery shopping.

P.s. How awesome would it be if her husband's plates were 1INSTINK. No excuses there (unless he is a proctologist).

Friday, May 27, 2011

Zuckerberg Is Too Rich (And Bored)

SAN FRANCISCO (AFP)Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly taken to eating only meat from animals he has killed in order to appreciate that a creature died so that he could live. The 27-year-old billionaire took on the dietary regimen as the latest in a series of “personal challenges” that he pursues in what little time he spends not working on Facebook, a Fortune magazine story explained on Thursday. “I’m eating a lot healthier foods,” Zuckerberg is quoted as telling Fortune while discussing his switch to slaughtering livestock for his meals. “And I’ve learned a lot about sustainable farming and raising of animals,” he continued. “It’s easy to take the food we eat for granted when we can eat good things every day.” A Silicon Valley chef who lives not far from Zuckerberg in the Northern California city of Palo Alto has introduced him to local farmers and coached him on killing his first chicken, pig, and goat, according to Fortune. His first kill was a lobster, which he executed by boiling. Larger animals that he kills are sent to a butcher, who sends the cut meat back to Zuckerberg and his girlfriend Priscilla to be cooked as they wish, the article indicated. Zuckerberg has shared his dietary endeavor on his Facebook page, where he posted a photo of a chicken he killed and dishes he made using the parts. “This year I’ve basically become a vegetarian since the only meat I’m eating is from animals I’ve killed myself,” Fortune quoted Zuckerberg as saying in an email. “I think many people forget that a living being has to die for you to eat meat, so my goal revolves around not letting myself forget that and being thankful for what I have.” Zuckerberg said he takes on a personal challenge each year, with prior goals including learning Chinese and wearing a tie. “So far, this has been a good experience,” Zuckerberg said of his new diet. “I’m eating a lot healthier foods and I’ve learned a lot about sustainable farming and raising of animals.” He still visits restaurants, but opts for venues with vegetarian offerings, according to Fortune.

Okay, you wanna be Bear Grylls. I get it. He is a man amongst boys but you start with killing shit to eat? How about you start with camping, maybe drink your own piss once or twice, than go out with a spear and hunt for your food like you still live in a cave and wear a loincloth. Who the fuck kills their own meat? Besides farmers and those people in undeveloped countries. I get the sentiment behind it but dude, come on. You have billions and billions of dollars, just let people do the shit no one else wants to do. You gonna go back to shitting in a hole in your back yard? Dude probably has the same morning routine as Eddie Murphy in Coming to America but still chooses to kill his own meat. What a fucked up world you need to create for yourself when you are filthy rich just to keep entertained.

P.s. How do you learn Chinese, one of the most complicated languages ever, as a goal one year; kill all the meat you eat, and still have to dedicate a whole year to "wear a tie"? That's like the people who say "My New Year's Resolution is to read a book." Like one book, except you don't even need to do something ridiculously boring like read, you just have to tie a tie. Shit, he probably has someone who dresses him just because he has Facebook money.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Americans Almost Like Dessert More Than Sex

New York Post- Nearly a quarter of Americans would rather have a great body then be $1 million rich. A survey released today shows that 22 percent of people would pass up on such a staggering amount of money to have their dream body for the rest of their lives. The Nutrisystem Diet Index also found that Americans are attached to their favorite foods. For example, 45 percent admit it would be more difficult to give up their favorite dessert than sex for one month... A survey released today shows that 22 percent of people would pass up on $1 million to have their dream body for the rest of their lives. The survey also found: -- Thirty-six percent of those who are married or in serious relationships would rather "share the number of sexual partners they’ve had than discuss their weight." -- Seventeen percent have gone so far as to lie about their weight on documents such as their driver’s license, ID cards and other forms. -- Fifty percent who are also members of social networking sites like Facebook admit most of the pictures posted to their profiles are shot from the waist-up rather than full-body. -- Sixty-eight percent said they've tried a diet at least once in their lifetimes. The survey also revealed the fixation Americans have with celebrities and their body parts. When women were asked who they consider to be in perfect physical shape, those who were asked agreed it was a combination of First Lady Michelle Obama’s arms (22 percent), Jennifer Lopez’s legs (24 percent) and derriere (20 percent) and Jessica Alba’s abs (11 percent). Men, on the other hand, favored Vin Diesel’s arms (35 percent) and Matthew McConaughey’s chiseled abs (16 percent). "While Americans are obsessed with celebrity weight loss and physical fitness, our research reveals that their focus should be shifted to their own health," said Joe Redling, chairman and CEO of Nutrisystem. The survey found that 51 percent of women who weighed in think that if a male star gained a significant amount of weight – like 50 pounds -- he would "not be hot anymore." Men agreed when it came to female celebrities with 48 percent saying they’d find her unattractive if she packed on the same amount of weight. 

1. What do women look for in a man? If your answer was anything besides "money" you're dead wrong. Women masturbate to piles of money. All you have to do to sext them is send "I have a million dollars in my account." Done. Ask a woman how many times they've rubbed the bean to a picture of abs. I bet my million that they say zero.
2. The 45% of people who would rather give up sex than dessert have to be lonely (or fat) as fuck rite? They have to be the people who only get laid at most 2x a month so they just give up the 2 times to eat their creme brulee 3x a week. I bet everyone who gets it on the regular was part of the 55%. There is no way anyone gives up 20+ orgasms a month to eat some tiramisu 4 nights a week.
3. The 36% who would rather share their sex number than their weight are the dumbest people in this whole article. Mini-list
     a. The actual number doesn't matter. The person you are with is gonna see you naked. If you look smoking hot naked, you could weigh 200 lbs for all I care. You might not be getting on top but that's just because I like to breathe.
     b. If her number is too high she automatically looks like a slut. She could be the most wholesome sweet girl in the world, if that number is more than your guess, she is a slut.
     c. If her number is too low you are set to figure out why that number is so low. You can't just ask her "Why have you only slept with X people?" That is a weird question in itself but since you can't ask it you have to take it upon yourself and your detective skills to figure out what is wrong with her.
4. Why lie about your weight on your driver's license and shit? So the bouncers and cops don't think you are fat?
5. 50 lbs is a lot of weight. Not many people can look good 50 lbs heave. Whoever they are  they would have to be bone thin and smoking hot to look good 50 lbs. Social norm says a girl should be no more than like 150. You know how a girl less than 100 lbs looks? Usually too small to be hot unless they are like less than 5'. Eva Longoria is 5'2" and weighs over 100 lbs. Imagine her 155 lbs? Ben Stiller weighs 155 lbs and is still 5 inches taller than her. Sorry but I don't think she would be hot.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Ray Lewis Says Crime Will Rise Without NFL Season

Yahoo- For all the craziness that is associated with Ray Lewis(notes), the man sure does seem to speak the truth on big issues. The latest one? How the lockout might affect our society as a whole, and what it might do to the nation's crime rate. No, he isn't just talking about the players. Ray thinks if the lockout continues and there is no NFL season, crime will increase because people will be so distraught without one of their favorite pastimes. This all came out from his ESPN interview, and here was exactly what Ray said.

"Do this research if we don't have a season -- watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game. [...]
"There's too many people that live through us, people live through us," he said. "Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I'm not talking about the people you see all the time."
The man has a point. Football fans will have to find other things to do without their favorite game being played if the NFL does decide to go with this lockout, and Lewis is just pointing out facts about this. If any sport or big event was dumped, it would force people to look for other things to do, and I think that's the point Lewis is making here. Just add it to the growing list of reasons why the NFL lockout would be a bad thing.

According to Ray Lewis, crime will rise with no NFL season. I think we better listen. With no work, Ray Lewis will have to take his anger out by killing more people (everyone know he did kill someone rite?), Roethlisberger will rape more underage chicks, Vick will go back to dog fights to keep busy (go knows he won't be able to pick up a copy of Madden without getting sick). Shit, we might need to keep Plaxico away from firearms and night clubs (if he signs with the Giants. If he signs with anyone else give him a glock and send him to the 40/40). And we can blame it all on the owners. Throw them in jail for inciting crime. Even if we need to resort to recreating The Replacements by hiring some scabs to play a shitty season. Just so I have something to watch, shit I might need to resort to arena football. I didn't even know that was a real thing until ESPN was talking about having NFL teams sign them for the same amount that they pay the people who sell $8 hotdogs and $70 jerseys at the stadium. Shit, they mind as well have some cheerleaders work double duty and hold the ball for field goals, if Lucy can do it I don't see why they can't get some pom-pom shaker in there for the extra points.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Imma Keep Blogging After Tomorrow

So, apparently the rapture is tomorrow and it is a big deal. Well not for me isn't. I'm pretty sure the rapture only takes the good Catholics to heaven and leaves everyone else here to "suffer" without them. Well the only thing that will change in my life after this rapture is pretty much nothing. What will change for anyone? No more theology class and no more people protesting gay marriage. I will still be here and most, if not all, of everyone I know will be here too. All the normal people are still gonna be here come the 23rd. It's just a matter of if the crazy Christians will be too.
What if the angels or whoever is in charge of sorting out the people for the rapture, are like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck from Dogma where they will send you to hell for not saying "God bless you" after you sneeze. "Oh nun, you spent your life devoted to God and to helping people less selfish than you? Come on in. Wait a second, it says here you only helped other Catholics and people if they converted. Never mind, you get to stay with the other sinners and wait for Satan to come and torture you."
That's something that has puzzled me lately too. I came across a picture in The Chive which is supposed to be funny but got me thinking. It is of a conversation, this is the conversation.
Preacher: How can I help you today?
Me: I have a question.
Preacher: Maybe I can help.
Me: The devil is evil and the people that go to hell are evil, correct?
Preacher: Correct.
Me: Than if the devil tries to get people to do evil, why does he punish them for doing so?
Way to turn Christianity on its fucking head. That, along with how everyone is handling the whole rapture thing, it really shows the whole attitude to religion as a whole. Everyone that is not a devout Christian is going to suffer at the hands of the ruler of all that is evil and it is happening tomorrow. Now, imagine if that were true. That would be a goddamn terrifying thing. Luckily for us they are fucked in the head and bat-shit crazy otherwise we would be in a ridiculous amount of trouble and there is no easy way out. If you commit suicide you go to hell. If you convert now you are too late and it isn't going to do anything. The only thing you can do now is hope that you have enough karma points to get you through the end of the world as we know it and not be subject to the worst forms of torture that have ever been thought up in the world. So tonight we enjoy our last night of a Satan-less world and hope that those who praise a man that killed his only son (who is also him) and had him rise 3 days later are wrong and hope they are as nuts as everyone who is not them thinks they are.
Hope you get to read this before Satan takes away our internet.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

DiCaprio Vs. Timberlake: Who Has The Better Life?

So, apparently Leo is now moving on from Bar Refaeli and onto Blake Lively. Models and actresses in one week for the Growing Pains star. He wasted no time with transitioning just like Justin Timberlake who, went from one Olivia to another. From Olivia Munn to Olivia Wilde 1/5 of N*SYNC isn't showing any signs of slowing down. Who is #1 and who is #2? Here is a roster of their arm candies just in 2011. Again, just 2011, not even half a year.

Leonardo DiCaprio:
1. Bar Refaeli- 2009 Sport's Illustrated cover model
2. Blake Lively- Gossip Girl, #33 top 100 (Maxim, 2009)

Justin Timberlake:
1. Jessica Biel- Actress (duh), #4 top 100  (FHM, 2009), #7 top 99 (AskMen.com, 2008)
2. Olivia Munn- Actress (Perfect Couples, The Daily Show), #2 top 100 (Maxim, 2011), #8 top 100 (Maxim, 2010)
3. Olivia Wilde- Actress (House), #1 top 100 (Maxim, 2009),

P.s. Is it just me or does 18 year old Bar look like Leo Growing Pains era.
P.s.s. There are two pics of Olivia Munn. She is my favorite of the group and you gotta love a "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" inspired pic

40 Year Old Ties ICBA Prez's World Record

HAVERHILL, Mass.A Groveland police officer has tied the world record for the highest single-string score in candlepin bowling history. Chris Sargent of Haverhill bowled a 245 last Friday at the Metro Bowl Lanes in Peabody.  The 40-year-old Sargent told The Eagle-Tribune he was “in a zone and feeling good” but didn’t realize he was nearing the record until the end of the string because he doesn’t like looking at his score. He said he realized he was getting close when the other team started cheering him on and a crowd gathered around his lane.  The record was set in 1984 by Ralph Semb of Erving.  Semb, now president of the International Candlepin Bowling Association, told The Associated Press on Wednesday the organization has accepted the record and thinks “it’s great.”

1. Who even knew there was an International Candlepin Bowling Association? Do they share an office with the National Skee Ball League? Where is the Major League Shuffleboard headquarters?
2. I have never even heard of candlepin bowling. It just looks like a bunch of vibrators in a triangle and you have to use a ball the size of a softball. Is it just to make it more difficult. It looks like complete luck. You just hit it and hope it knocks the other ones down.
3. "it's great"? Why did he give the most PR answer in the world? What, does the President of the ICBA need to save face? Would people look poorly upon the main governing candlepin bowling association if their president said he was pissed someone beat his 27 year record?

Breaking News: College Students Aren't Opposed to Banging for Money

(Reuters) - One in three university students in the German capital would consider sex work as a means to finance their education, a study from the Berlin Studies Center said on Wednesday. The figure in Berlin, where prostitution is legal, was higher than students surveyed in Paris (29.2 percent) and in Kiev (18.5 percent), the three cities the report looked at. The study found some 4 percent of the 3,200 Berlin students surveyed said they had already done some form of sex work, which includes prostitution, erotic dancing and Internet shows. The results surprised the study's authors, who said they undertook the study because student prostitution had been often reported but little was known about its relationship to education policy. "The main motivation of students to turn to prostitution were the financial incentives, namely the high hourly wages," Eva Blumenschein, one of the study's authors and a 26-year-old student at Berlin's Humboldt University, told Reuters. Blumenschein said recent educational reforms aimed at speeding up students' time at university may play a role in them seeking out sex work. "It's possible that because educational reforms have increased student workloads, they have less time to earn money," she said. "Coupled with higher student fees, in this instance, leads students into prostitution." Thirty percent of students working in the sex industry were in debt, the study found. That compared with 18 percent of students who said they would consider sex work who were in debt.

Really?  It's only 1 in 3? Figure half of all students are men. That should be 50% right there. Than you have all the strippers who are "paying their way through college". Shit, I'm going to owe $120,000 by the time I graduate. If you think I wouldn't stick it to some chicks on film to drop that number you're out of your fucking mind. And anyone who says otherwise is fucking stupid. Unemployment rate for college grads under 24 is the highest in recorded history (9.5%) and only 40% are able to find jobs within their graduating field. Now is no time to be picky about how to make a little extra cash. It is either bone on camera or work at supermarkets or cleaning toilets or some shit no one else wants to do. The only people who should have to deal with menial jobs like that are people who didn't graduate high school or actors. How is this a surprise for anyone? Hey, how about putting out a survey that says 99.5% of all college students want to win the lottery you know the other .5% are people that want to "earn their money legitimately" fuck those people. Give me the easiest way to not have to worry about a 6 digit debt, even if that means going all Peter North on some smuts to help pay for a useless degree.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Most Adorable Luggage Ever

ArbroathA first-class passenger has been arrested at a Thai airport after being found carrying suitcases filled with baby leopards, panthers, a bear and monkeys. The animals had been drugged and were headed for Dubai. The man, a 36-year-old United Arab Emirates citizen, was waiting to check in for his flight at Bangkok’s Suvarnabhumi international airport when he was apprehended by undercover anti-trafficking officers who had been monitoring him since his black-market purchase of the rare and endangered animals, according to the Freeland Foundation, an anti-trafficking group based in Thailand. When authorities opened the suitcases, the animals yawned, said Steven Galster, director of Freeland, who was present during the arrest. There were two leopards, two panthers, an Asiatic black bear and two macaque monkeys – all about the size of puppies. “It looked like they had sedated the animals and had them in flat cages so they couldn’t move around much,” Galster said. Some of the animals had been placed inside canisters with air holes. Authorities have said the man was part of a trafficking network. They are searching for accomplices. “It was a very sophisticated smuggling operation. We’ve never seen one like this before,” Galster said. “The guy had a virtual zoo in his suitcases.” Thailand is a hub for illegal wildlife trafficking but authorities typically find rare turtles, tortoises, snakes and lizards that feed demand in China and Vietnam. Finding such an array of live mammals is unusual. “We haven’t seen this mixture [of animals] before,” Galster said. “It’s amazing. We were really surprised.”

This guy has the right plan. "Since I can't get monkeys or leopards or panthers or a bear here in the UAE I mind as well take them while I'm in Thailand." I mean, can you blame the guy? Growing up the only pets I had were the usual cats, hamsters, and fish. If you don't think that for one second I would of gone to Thailand and NOT stolen a monkey you are out of your fucking mind. They pretty much give them away like when cats have litters too big. I would of saved all of my money, gone to Thailand and gotten me some monkeys or leopards or panthers. And they were the size of puppies. How baller would that be? "Oh you have a pitbull? That's cute. I have panthers and leopards, get at me. Oh you still think your dog can take my pets, well what about my fucking black bear... thought so." And who among us has never wanted a pet monkey? Anyone... anyone... didn't think so. Shit I would of traded my sister for a fucking pet monkey (hell, I still would). And of course I would bring him to class and shit with me in case I got bored.

P.s. You know when security opened the bags it went from "We know something is up, check his bags." to "Holy shit that is adorable." to "Wait a minute. That's illegal.". There was definitely a moment where all the TSA agents forgot someone was in trouble and just stared at the sleeping animals and thought it was the cutest fucking thing in the world.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Lack of Posts

I started summer vacation like a week ago. As readers of my blog may have noticed, it is around the same time when I stopped being productive in every way. It started with finals. "I'll be able to blog all time once I'm done school, especially these fucking finals. They're taking up all my time.". And it was acceptable, finals and all those fucking term papers you're supposed to do throughout the semester but you don't learn what you need to know til the last week of class than they all want them within the same 3 days. Fuck those teachers. And my propensity to procrastinate is ridiculous. I will wait until the day before, or the day of, to study or write a paper or anything. I seriously didn't open a text book all year until finals, except for mid-terms.
But that was all understandable, than I came home. I was home and all ready to blog and kick it in to overdrive and take over the internets. But I didn't. I just layed around watching TV and reading graphic novels because I don't have the attention span to pay attention to a whole page of words, let alone a bunch of them bind-ed together. Blogs and word bubbles are about the most I can read before I get so bored I just wanna give my eyes paper cuts.
At this moment I am in an airport with the slowest wi-fi in the fucking world. I swear Atlantic City Airport is still running on AOL and has to turn off the wi-fi every time they get a phone call. That is why, even though I am bored as shit and ready to post I was only able to post the one story I was planning on blogging about before and this thing because there is no other page I need to load. I am now going to Florida where I will probably not post that much but you should still keep coming here because you never know what awesome shit I might put up. Plus, I wanna get to 1000 views (at 929 now). So, I will start posting more soon if not really soon.

Planking Is For Douches

(Newser) – The odd Facebook trend of "planking" has been blamed for the death of an Aussie who slipped off a seven-story balcony. The accident occurred as the 20-year-old man was apparently on the ledge trying to balance for photo of himself lying "like a plank." It's part of a trend of people taking pictures of themselves lying stiffly with arms pressed to their sides in funny or precarious locations. Tens of thousands of Facebook users have "liked" pages like Planking Australia, Planking Ireland, and Planking Norway, notes CNN. The posers are trying to "outdo" each other by taking bigger risks when they "plank." The "potential disaster increases as more and more risks are taken to get the ultimate photo," said a statement by Queensland police. "If you want to take a photo of yourself planking on a park bench two foot off the ground, there are no risks with that. But when you start doing it seven stories up or lying across a railway line, that's what we have a concern about. Is it worth life in a wheelchair to take a funny photo to impress somebody you don't know on the Internet?" Queensland cops last week busted a man photographing himself lying face down on a police car. The trend apparently started in 2009 on Facebook as the "Lying Down Game."

Is this what our youth has to look forward to at gym class. "The Lying Down Game." No more dodgeball, steal the bacon, they probably don't even make the kids climb that rope in gym class because it's too tall. The lying down game has to be the dumbest fucking game ever (at least since duck, duck, goose). Like, it's bad when kid's look forward to the days in gym when they do the "fun run". First of all that is false advertisement if I've ever seen it. Running a mile, or in my case running a lap and wheezing and walking through the other 3. And what a ridiculous oxymoron, no running is fun, unless it's in a real sport like football (the one with the weird shaped ball, not soccer). You don't get a runner's high from a mile, you just get shortness of breath and that stinging in your legs. Granted I haven't run a mile in 3 years and I've lost 75 lbs since then, but I'm sure that I would still have close to the same results.

But back to this stupid fucking "game". We need to go back to where Facebook was only used to put up pics of parties you don't remember because you were too piss drunk to remember anything after an hour of being there (sorry for pregaming harder than you party). Show me pictures of the time they taped that kids bed to the ceiling or the time you met someone famous, not a picture of you lying down on a cop car with your arms at your side like you're imitating a fish.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sorry For Partying

One guess. What Mexican, futbol blocking, womanizing rapper that sips on gin, juice and that dirty delsym needs to keep in touch with this mediocre blogger? If your guess was Oscar Perez you're only half correct. The actual answer is Miguelito Moschetto (@moschetto_ofic for you twitter goers.).

When challenged with writing a blog about Moschetts my innital reaction was "Don't threaten me with a good time." My second thought was that I was stuck on what I would write about and what I would have to leave out. There is just so much. Do I write about how he broke one of our bathrooms and have to leave out how he got the nickname Miguelito (hint: Aye Miguelito!)? Or do I write about how he starts drinking at noon for a final at 3 pm, and still brags about how easy it was? But if I tell that story I need to leave out how he can get it in more than his roommates with girlfriends. I could talk about how he can site MLB players from the 80's and 90's that even the actual player's parents barely remember, or talk about his epic beer pong skills including shooting 2 balls at once and making both cups (the last two cups none the less) or going 10/10 (and none of that pussy leaning like a motherfucker "World Series of Beer Pong" shit, I'm talking elbow behind the table) and not hearing shit just watching the cup splash like a cannonball by a sumo wrestler every time.

So to write a blog about this man would be an insult, a book would be required. Whoever published Tucker Max's book get at me, I have a new college icon. He is the fratty as fuck bro that wore Ray Ban Warefares in class for an entire month until he got his new pair of glasses from Brooks Brothers (what did I  tell you? Fratty as fuck) because his regular glasses broke. Imagine the kid  in the back with the pastel polo and khaki shorts above the knee with the Sperry slip-ons rocking Wayfares in the back of the class smelling like 4 Lokos while your teacher rambles on about assets and liquidity and lock-outs. That is Moschetto

Thursday, May 12, 2011

SoHo Bitching About A Trailer

The Scoop- The city of New York typically has a pretty high threshold for the inconveniences that come with movies that are filmed here, but Will Smith has discovered the breaking point. In NYC to film "Men in Black III," Smith had parked a massive, double-decker, 1,150-square foot trailer smack in the middle of the Soho neighborhood. Adding insult to injury for the people inconvenienced by the behemoth, Smith is renting an apartment less than a mile away. The trailer, nicknamed "The Heat," as the New York Post reports, "includes a lounge, a movie room with a 100-inch screen, marble floors throughout, offices for his assistants and writing staff, a large bedroom and all-granite bathroom. It measures about 53 feet long, has 22 wheels and weighs in at around 30 tons." "It looks bigger than my apartment!" Brigette Moreno, who lives in the building next to where the trailer was docked Tuesday, told the Post. "The smell that comes along with it is disgusting. It's like living in a gas station. I really like Will Smith, but I would be embarrassed if that was my trailer. A little modesty goes a long way."

1. All of New York smells like gas, garbage and hobo body odor anyway, this just helps overpower the smell of hipsters and tourist's garbage.
2. These people are just mad that Will Smith has a better trailer than they have homes, and they pay close to the same amount
3. Men In Black III is going to be fire. I'd let Will Smith park his big ass 2-story trailer where ever the fuck he wants. Everything that guy touches turns to gold. Like, what was the worst thing he was ever in? Wild Wild West? Dude, that shit still made $225 million. The only two movies that he has been in that haven't made $100 million? Anyone? Ali, a fucking Oscar nominee, and The Legend of Bagger Vance, where he plays a black caddy for Matt Damon in the 1930's but was still awesome some how.
4. The trailer was only gonna be there til Friday anyway. Really? You're gonna bitch about a road block for 3 days when you have road work done every other block for like months at a time and you're complaining about 3 days? You're just mad you have to walk past it every time you leave your studio apartment that you say is "cozy and artsy" when its really just all you could afford because you wanna live in SoHo.
5. "I really like Will Smith, but I would be embarrassed if that was my trailer. A little modesty goes a long way."- Some dickhead. If that was my trailer I would be hauling it throughout all of Manhattan just yelling out my window from my California King sized bed "Hey bitches, check out my ride. It has a 100-inch TV in it. Wanna come watch Hitch?". Quit hating you jealous pussy.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Where's Robin When You Need Him

I like how everyone thinks this is a joke until Batman tells the guy in the white to suck his dick. That's when everyone is like "Oh shit. He's dead ass. Shits about to go down.".Who can take that bum-ass Batman serious, with his foam 6-pack and pushing out his chest. And if you're gonna even put a Batman costume on you can't go at a guy open handed. At least ball your hand up into a fist. At least then you won't look like suck a bitch when you get your ass knocked out. And what a rookie superhero move, who takes off their mask in public? That completely defeats the purpose of wearing it to begin with. Batman is a sham.

But seriously, this has to be the fake Batman from the beginning of Dark Knight, rite? He is trying to do good and just gets his ass beat. Leave the superhero shit for the real heroes. Well in Batman's case, the rich guy who can afford awesome weapon and good karate training.

Closeted Boy Wears Skirt To School

(thetelegraph) – Chris Whitehead wore a girls’ knee-length skirt to classes at Impington Village College, near Cambridge, Cambs. He is protesting against a school uniform policy which bans boys from wearing shorts during the summer months. He also addressed 1,368 pupils at morning assembly wearing the black skirt, which boys are permitted to wear due to a loophole in the policy. Chris believes that forcing boys to wear long trousers during the sizzling summer months affects concentration and their ability to learn. He said: ”In the summer girl students are allowed to wear skirts but boys are not allowed to wear shorts. ”We think that this discriminates against boys. I will march in a skirt with other boys waving banners and making a lot of noise. ”I will be wearing the skirt at school all day in protest at the uniform policy and addressing the assembly with the student council, wearing a skirt.” Teachers at Impington Village College imposed a ban on boys’ shorts two years ago following consultation with parents and teachers. ‘Ultimately the boys can wear a skirt to school because it doesn’t say they can’t in the uniform policy and we would be discriminating against them if we did not allow it.”

How hot does it have to be to get a dude to wear a skirt. 90? 100 degrees? Dude, if your legs are that hot you need a fucking doctor. Put on a pair of slacks for 6 hours and quit bitching.  Unless your legs are literally on fire, there is no reason for a dude to wear a skirt. No, this is just an excuse for this little pole smoker to wear a dress like the rest of the girls. Maybe he just saw the prom episode of Glee where gay symbol Kurt wore a skirt to prom and just thought "Oh shit, skirts are cool now."

And this loophole they talk about? Complete bullshit. There is nothing in the rules about dudes wearing skirts because it is a given. I bet this is the only rule this kid pays attention to. You know he chews gum, cheats off other kids in class. Stickler for rules my ass, maybe the rules that allow him to dress up like a catholic school girl.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Cats & Comics

by, Barbara Ang

^ This is what I look like when no one's around. 1:17 is my favorite.

So I'm browsing through 1188 pages of The Animal Blog because I swore I wouldn't leave my room if the Celtics lost. Not because I lost a bet or anything. I'm mourning. Not unlike Lakers fans, I imagine. Burn.

Now, I know I'm a little late on this (partly, if not entirely on purpose), but last Saturday was Free Comic Book Day. If you hurry, Midtown Comics still has a few of its FCBD comics available free on their website.

Below is a page from Elric: The Balance Lost, one of the giveaways. I'll let you know how the rest are once they arrive.
SEND ME YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS. They will be read over delicious Thor Slurpees.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Reasons #2-4 Why Jimmy Fallon Has The Best Job Ever

Yea. Remember when I said Jimmy Fallon has the best job ever? Well this solidified that claim completely. 3-point Random Item Shootout with Carmelo Anthony. Who doesn't want to throw wedding cakes at basketball hoops with NBA All-Stars? You know his writers don't give a shit if it is funny or not. It must just be "so, Jimmy. What do you want to do with Carmelo Anthony?" "Let's throw some shit at basketball hoops." "And we have a chef coming on what do you want him to do?" "How about he cooks me some delicious food and we drink a little." "Can do." "Hey ?uestLove, wanna do a skit about Jersey Shore with me and Tina Fey?" "Fuck it. Let's do this shit."

I would drop out now to do his show for 1/10 of the money he is getting paid. I would do it for free and get a part time job at Wawa to do the cool shit he does."

P.s. I just found out he makes $55,000 an episode ($275,000 a week). I would work an entire year for what he makes in one episode. Get at me NBC. Call my agent (i.e. myself) and let's set something up.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Guy Sued $11 Million for Getting No Boners

NewsAN Emirati man is being sued for a whopping $10.99 million for failing to have sex with his wife and causing her mental anguish. The unidentified woman told the court that her Emirati husband did not sleep with her in the first four months of their marriage and later she discovered that he suffered from erectile dysfunction, Gulf News said.  The newspaper quoted court records as saying that the woman alleged her husband failed to fulfil her needs.  The case is pending before Dubai Courts.  “Considering the conservative Arab values, and the woman’s situation in such a society, I remained silent and tried to adapt by praying to God that things would improve,” she said.   The woman  claimed $10.99 million in compensation.  

How has Viagra not scooped this up as an ad yet. Right now they have shitty commercials, them and Cialis. Who gives a shit about old people who can't get it up in bath tubs outside. "Pay $5 for Viagra and get it up or pay $11 million dollars and not get to have any sex. The choice sounds simple." 100x more effective than whatever the fuck they're showing now. I don't even have ED and am contemplating buying some backups just so I never have to worry about an $11 million law suit.

This must be some freaky chick. She must really want that dick to sue for so much money. They're from the UAE too, that means she was most likely a virgin because they stone any girls who had consensual sex before marriage. For that matter, they stone any females who were raped to because they are still "un-pure". Great place to live rite?

Idiot Jumps Into Hudson River For God Knows What Reason

RENSSELAER, N.Y. (AP)Authorities in New York say a 21-year-old man who jumped into the Hudson River to escape police got all wet for nothing. The man was riding in a car Wednesday afternoon when it was pulled over by police in Rensselaer, across the Hudson River from Albany. Police say he bolted from the car’s passenger side and ran toward the river, where he jumped in near a bridge. The current carried him about 250 feet down river before he was able to grab onto a branch. Police soon arrived and pulled him from the 50-degree water. Authorities say the man, whose name hasn’t been released, thought there was a warrant out for his arrest. But police say there was no warrant. He was taken to an Albany hospital for an examination.

He must of done something horrible to rather jump in the Hudson rather than go to jail. Like, he must of killed someone to have a warrant worthy of jumping into the Hudson. I would rather go to jail for 10 years than jump in the giant river of toxic waste. Unless he is a complete idiot and hoped to get some super powers. That is how it works rite? Like a guy thinks he has a warrant out for him so he jumps into the Hudson river, this jump into radioactive waste gives him superpowers and he devotes himself to stopping the people who he used to portray. That is probably what happened. That is probably why he was taken to an Albany hospital. The examination was to exam his superpowers like Level 33.1 in Smallville, like this kid was hoping there was some Kryptonite in the water that turned him into a meteor freak worthy of the Wall of Weird.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Sweet Dive Bro

Every time me and someone else do something that requires teamwork and a count off you gotta make sure everyone is on the same page. They think I'm just being a pain in the ass "Do we go on 'three' or do we go on 'go'? 'Go'? Okay, so it is 'one, two, three, go'." You always go on 'go', never on three. You do bad shit on three like get a needle or rip off a band-aid, not throw a dude in a pool when his ribs are on the line. You double check what everyone is doing and it gets done right. I haven't had anyone break any ribs when everyone goes on 'go'.

P.s. Fuck the people that do bad shit on 2 than say they were doing it for you. I was getting ready, I wasn't ready at 2 you prick.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Guess Who Is Still Getting His Crippled Ass Laid

WFFA — L.D. Bell High School student Ben Ross recently survived a serious accident. On Saturday night, he still made it to his prom in the vehicle of his dreams — a giant hot dog. Ross was seriously injured while riding his motorcycle last month. While at his hospital bedside, his mom remembered Ben joking about going to the prom in the “Weinermobile.” So she launched an online campaign and convinced Oscar Mayer to send the distinctive hot dog-shaped vehicle to take Ben and girlfriend Molly Muchow to Saturday’s prom at the Dallas Trade Center.

Prom has to be the one time you can just do whatever the fuck you want and still get it in. That and if you are on tv (or a musician). Like, no other time can you ride around in a giant Kosher ballpark treat and still get laid. Probably drove that weinermobile right to the doctors the day before to get some Viagra cause his shit doesn't work anymore.

You know the only reason this kid said okay was because this girl is his girlfriend and not some chick he's trying to impress. His mom probably wanted to do something nice for him by getting him the weinermobile for his prom but you know his girl let him have it.

"What the fuck is this? I am a princess with my dress. I want a limo, not this giant metal dick looking piece of shit. No way am I going to prom in this...  Wait, did you say we were gonna be on tv for it? In that case sure, lets do this." Only thing chicks love more than limos and shit is being on tv and showing off.

And the only way this kid got Molly is because he rode a motorcycle.

Osama Is Dead

Now, I could write a whole long post about how Osama is dead and it is the anniversary of Bush's "Mission Accomplished" speech, or that this is the anniversary of Hitler dying. I could write a post about how America is awesome and we will get whoever gets in our way, or how I'm celebrating by drinking American beer (even before Osama died) and eating "Disco Fries" but I'm not going to. There is so much about it on facebook that I won't even bother and every station except Spike and E! are talking about it. They even interrupted the 13th inning of the Mets/Phillies game to report this, so I'm glad no one is coming directly to me for news.