Friday, July 29, 2011

Writing Samples That Didn't Get Me Work 1

So, lately I have been sending out writing samples to websites who are looking for writers. I stumbled across one ad that gave a prompt asking for one of three articles. The options were 1. Why women like gay guys. 2. Five signs you are a stalker. And 3, well I don't remember 3 but it was something along par with the other two. I went with the five signs you are a stalker. Without further adieu here is a submission that didn't get me a job.


1. If you ever find yourself outside her window without her knowledge.
I know a flashlight is normal to keep in the back of your car but military grade night-vision goggles? Dude, pick up the empty red bull cans, the trail mix bag and whatever you were using as a toilet and get out of her bushes. Go home and watch Big Brother instead. Despite what you may think, you can become quite emotionally attached to those people as well. And they ignore you like your ex is doing while she sits there eating dinner with her new boyfriend.

2. When you go to type facebook in your address bar and their profile is suggested before facebook.com.
In the new age of Facebook and Twitter (permitted stalking), you don't even need to leave your house to become a creeper. When you make someone's profile page your home screen, you have gone a step too far, especially after she removed you as a friend.

3. When you are at her work more than yours.
Dude, there is no reason for you to be at Starbucks 8x a shift every day she is working. Unless you are a script writer (or blogger), there is no reason for you to stay in any coffee house for hours at a time (and no, "free wifi" is not a good enough excuse).

4. Shrine of any kind.
Any kind of memorial or shrine, especially one that has a statue or totem. Granted the best example of this is Helga from Hey, Arnold! but it doesn't need to be that elaborate (or creepy) to be stalkery. Is "stalkery" a real word? It is now. The closes to a shrine you can have is a photo album that doesn't get opened. An open photo album on a coffee table opened up to an ex is just as bad as a statue of them with the medium of choice being their chewed up gum.

5. Going through her garbage.
The only time this is acceptable is when you are in a relationship and she loses something valuable. But when you just got done crying about how you miss her and decide to go dumpster diving outside her apartment at 2 am like a homeless guy looking for a midnight snack, you have crossed a line or two.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Amy Winehouse is Dead. Shocker?

So, people are surprised this bitch is dead? Like, I found out at work and was more shocked she was still alive. When your biggest hit is about not going to rehab, how are people shocked when you're killed by crack.

Is it just me or was this chick the most bi-polar girl alive when it came to being hot. Compare the pic above with this one. How someone can be so hot at times but than look like the picture above.

Hell, I was more surprised when I found out the NFLPA accepted the deal and now we get football soon enough. I was about to be super pissed with missing the only sport I really watch.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Corn-Hole Prodigy? Really?



Found this little gem on about every fucking news outlet around. But I ignored it, because let's face it, who really wants to see a kid play in a yard while parents think their kid is special. But then I saw it on Yahoo! on their front goddamn page. There are only 4 stories at a time there. The others are about the NFL lockout ($9 billion dollar story), some chick making the new facebook ($100 million dollar story) and a story about Congress and the budget (ridiculous amounts of money). So, how if this video is in the same class as these stories, I guess I'm missing out.

I wasn't missing a fucking thing. It is exactly what I thought it was gonna be. Even if this kid didn't go 0 for 7 in the round right before that (simple editing could of fixed that). But let's be honest, who is really following the future of corn-holing? I mean bocce ball is 100x better than corn-hole but no-one still gives a shit about that either. This isn't a football prodigy, or basketball or anything. Great, this kid will be a hit in 15 years during tailgates and bbq's. Good luck trying to make any money off killing it half the time

P.s. Cheating bastard only threw 7 from like 3 feet away. How about you take a couple steps back and throw the 8th bag.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I Plead The Fifth (i.e. Me Trying My Lawyering Skills)

GeeksAreSexy- A Colorado court case could set a precedent on whether the right to remain silent extends to encrypted files. The Justice Department wants a federal judge to rule that defendant Ramon Fricosu must decrypt a laptop that prosecutors believe has evidence showing her guilt in an alleged mortgage scam. Fricosu’s lawyers say doing so could incriminate her, and thus she has the legal right to refuse to do so under the Fifth Amendment, specifically the best known section, which reads “nor shall [a person] be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself.” There is, to say the least, an element of confusion over how both the constitution and previous legal interpretations of it relate to computer encryption. The government lawyers believe the case should be likened to ordering a defendant to provide a key to a safe, which has been judged legal in the past. The defense side counters that Fricosu is being required to provide a form of “compelled testimonial communications”. It’s preferred comparison is to a defendant asked to provide the combination to a lock on a safe, a request previous rulings have said cannot be mandatory. With the ball back in the government’s court, the most important element may be that it’s request in the case is not for Fricosu to provide any information such as handing over a decryption key. Instead it wants her to decrypt the files herself, with nobody else seeing the decryption key... The most directly relevant case, where prosecutors wanted to force the defendant to decrypt files, didn’t get as far as a ruling because the defendant complied.

Warning: Not a comedy blog. Granted, most people don't find my other posts to be comedy either but this one is not supposed to be.

Now, as a psychology major who might go to law school my legal knowledge is slightly above average. I can fight a speeding ticket but I'm still getting someone to fight for me for anything worse than that. So, I am going to try and guess what will happen in the case. 

1. The people who are comparing this to a key are stretching. A key is physical evidence. In a trial, withholding physical evidence from the other party is a federal crime. If the plaintiff or defendant has evidence that has been requested, they must turn it over. This is not physical evidence, therefore it does not need to be handed over.

2. When someone is called in to consult, i.e. to do something like decrypt a file, they become an "expert witness". If, while being considered an "expert witness", the defendant would incriminate themselves, they may plead the 5th because they would then be "a witness against himself". Word for word what the 5th Amendment says.

So, as Marshall Erikson would say, "Lawyered"

Friday, July 8, 2011

Jack And Jill Looks Like A Piece of Shit


How bad does this piece of shit look? This has the worst of every comedy put together. Drag, multiple roles, Adam Sandler. I mean how good can a movie be when Shaq is in the top 4 billed (see Kazaam and Steel)? I mean for christ sake, this is going to be less funny than Funny People. The only thing that would be worse than this is if Adam Sandler made Billy Madison 2. At least this hasn't fucked up some movie in my childhood yet.

P.s. How great was Sandler during his 95-00 run. You can't find me a movie run of gold like Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Waterboy, and Big Daddy, except for like Pacino circa 73-83 (Godfather, Serpico, Dog Day Afternoon, Scarface).

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Stay At Home Dad Group In NY



There are a group of stay at home dads who are basically kept and all they have to do is take care of their kids. Where do I sign up? This is a no brainer in my book. Granted I'd have to have a kid, but if this shit is around in 10 years I will be 1st in line to sign up. All I really do now is hang out around the house when I'm not at work. Now, if I didn't have to work and still didn't live a shitty life who wouldn't rather stay at home. Just teaching your kid how to play xbox and the rules of football. Just like having a little friend. Teach him how to fetch you beers and you'll be all set.

Monday, July 4, 2011

"I Thought She Was Dead" Now Acceptable Defense For Rape

(Newser) – A man accused of raping a woman as she lay unconscious on a city sidewalk in broad daylight told cops he thought he was merely molesting a corpse, according to investigators. Witnesses who say they saw Melvin Jackson having sex with the woman flagged down a passing patrol car. When officers stopped Jackson, who was walking down the street with his pants unzipped, he said: "I thought that lady was dead," the Kansas City Star reports. The victim told police that she passed out after feeling dizzy while walking. She does not remember the alleged attack, but says she woke up without her underwear and recalls hearing shouts of "Help her! Get off her!" from witnesses. "I've been a prosecutor for a long time, so you kinda get to the point where not a lot surprises you," said a Jackson County prosecutor. "This is a new one. This is not one that I've seen come through before."

Who does this bitch think she is, Lucille 2? Who gets so dizzy walking around they pass out on a sidewalk? 100% this chick is not from New York. If you ever lived in NY you know to never sleep anywhere. Shit, I barely blink on the subway, those people who sleep on the subway are fucking dumb. You're ask for trouble. You nap your way to Brooklyn on the F and you plan on being robbed or raped.

Does this defense actually hold up? Especially since he probably would of gotten away with it if the people around them weren't yelling for him to stop. If they just let him do his thing everyone could of gone home without causing a scene.